Exactly how fucked up am I?

I went to therapy today after having missed 2 appointments in a row. I suppose I should make it clear exactly what depends on this therapy going right. I am in recovery. DCF is in our lives. My marriage and my relationship with my children is on the line and this clinic is who supplies with my insurance subsidized suboxone therapy without which, my life as an opiate addicted rheumatois arthritis patient is even more hell on walker, then it is now. Most days I don’t even want to get out of bed in the am at all. I sit at the edge of my bed, tears welling up in my eyes. Hands, wrists, knees, cankles and feet swollen beyond reason red, mishappen and feeling next to useless. My shoulders ache to a point that even the slightest movement of my neck or my arms feels like a scream. So I sit, on the edge of the bed, putting off the weight bearing untill my bladder won’t let me wait any longer.

ANYways..because i am a fuck-up addict who can’t keep her shit together even when everything depends on it, I have missed my last 2appointments w/o calling and skipped my last 2 random urines.Why, you may ask.. Well I’ll tell you, the appointmnets are because I was afraid of being put on notice like today, wherein Counsellor made me sign an agreement saying that if I missed 1 more appointmnet w/o 24 hrs notice that I would be kicked out of the program! Meaning no more therapy that has kept me relatively on the straight and narrow , no more suboxone, no more managability, not to mention wtf the judge would say if they realized that I bombed out of the only thing I had going for me.

The reason why I skipped my last 2 color days is because both times they were called when I had run out of subs before my refill date and I was terrified that my pee would tell on me, that I, the colossal , fuck-up  am now doing the  same bullshit with my addiction therapy that I did with my painkillers. Using more than prescribed right after refill, trying to escape everything I hate about me and running out early. So now I am exactly 1 missed appointmnet away from losing what little ground I have managed to gain by completely bombing out of treatment.

Please,  please, please GOD, help me get my crap together!  

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