Down the drain. I just had a victory that seems to have no victory behind it. I got approved eligible for SSI (YAY!) But wait, due to my husband’s income, I don’t qualify for any payments. No back payments, no current payments, no income in my name. I have been looking forward to this, putting so much hope and WORTH, into this SSI approval because I have been obsessing about bringing income into the home that is in my name. Some manner of funding, some kind of currency that I generated. That didn’t come from anything associated with Husband. That I could spend without having to ask him for it or tell him why I needed/wanted it. So in those moments when we discussed whether any certain expense was worth expending or not, I could weigh in from a point of potentially being able to financially contribute one way or the other, not just giving an opinion and then again as with every time I want to spend money making an argument, presentation, a dissertation on my own personal value, so that I can be deemed worthy of the $10-20 spending money I request.
But I am going to have to figure out something else. Either a way to be content being kept, begging for any expenditure, from household supplies to presents for Husband himself. How stupid is that. Me as a wife asking for $$ to buy a present.This year I drove people places for cash and returned a few unwanted gifts of my own for store credit so I could scrounge a gift or two together without doing that.
So it’s either figure out a way to be content with him managing every cent and me living a cashless existence or figuring out a way to make some dollars and cents of my own as a federally disabled individual. I know it’s possible. Joni Eareckson Tada is much more disabled than I am and makes a living and has a ministry to many many other people like us, and she doesn’t let the resentment o it all bury her. Why can’t I get myself together? I feel less than worthless.