Scary post

 

Thais post almost didn’t happen. I have been pingponging (spellchecker doesn’t think this is a word. sigh. when i get emotional like I am right now I struggle to choose words that express exactly what I mean and right now I mean pingponging as in bouncing n the fashion a pingpong ball does) between deep fear and thick sticky inertia about posting again. 

Yesterday was my first post in quite some time and it was good. I don’t mean that as praise of my own writing skills I mean, when I sat down to blog, all the words I wanted to say were there and they flowed in a sweet easy motion from start to finish.

Not only that but I got nearly immediate positive reinforcement in the form of a new follower and an incredibly sweet, complimentary and encouraging comment from Nadia, the writer girl. Check out her blog: http://writergirlsdiary.wordpress.com/ 

Anyway, after all that time of not posting, to have a post that felt so FINE to put out there , that garnered immediate attention, how does one follow that up?

In the end I decided to get up and post. This isn’t a great post or even really a good post but if I am going to make blogging a part of my life it is a necessary post.  

As an addict  and somebody who struggles with severe chronic pain, illness and depression, I crave days like yesterday. Where the writing is cathartic and complete. Yesterday had the added bonus of instant feedback. For someone who is shy about her writing I am also inordinately needy to have it recognized when I put a piece out there. even if the out there is something as humble as a blog post.  

So when I come to the keyboard knowing that there is no way that I am going to feel the way i want to as or after I write, I am immediately defeated before I even begin.

I AM writing though. Because I am in recovery, and recovery is about doing the next right thing. Taking it a day at a time. Today’s writing is not yesterdays writing but it is important in and of itself because it exists. I need this to work And as I am trying to teach my son, if you want to meet your goals you have to always keep trying. And always trying is going to mean making the effort some days when you don’t feel good enough, or strong enough and you’re tired and just about used up. You get up and do the best you can for that day, and then you try again tomorrow..

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