Swamps of sadness by way of the doldrums..

I have been in a major flare the past couple of days. It has concentrated in my upper body including my shoulders, wrists and hands. I find this sort of pain particularly depressing and I feel myself being pulled down by lethargy and discouragement. 

I isolate when I get like this. Deliberately pushing away things that help and grabbing for all the things that don’t. I know that I am not far away from sinking into the slimy blackness. I have thrown a few ropes up out of the pit. I talk to my counselor. I got a sponsor and I have been checking in with her and asking for help. I spent several hours hanging out with a trusted friend the other day, one who knows the real me that has been keeping tabs on me ever since. 

But I’m blue. I don’t want to sink into the swamps but I feel myself going anyhow. Hopefully one of the lifelines I threw will be strong enough when I grow the sack to try and climb out of this pit.

84 to go

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5 thoughts on “Swamps of sadness by way of the doldrums..

  1. It’s difficult, I reached my breaking point on monday. I just broke down in tears at work and couldn’t stop sobbing. Constant pain is difficult to deal with. You’re not alone, there is always someone here or out there who fully empathises with how you are feeling.

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    • I’m on Suboxone which helps some with the pain AND the addiction. I am also on a few non – narcotics for the pain but honestly on a bad day and even on a good day it’s not the same. I remember crying one day in my counselor’s office. He’s 70+, been in recovery longer than I’ve been alive and a total hardass. He asked me what would make me feel better and I honestly said the first thing which popped into my head,” a bacon double cheeseburger with 3 ms-contin on top.” Nothing relieves pain like opiate painkillers and I miss th every fucking day but the bottom line is, I simply will not take them as prescribed and that is deadly, not to mention dangerous and destructive to my life and the people in it that I love. So I cry,I read, I eat, I binge watch really good tv and movies and most recently, I blog.

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      • I didnt know suboxone was also used for pain, my friends and I use to abuse those to. I have only taken medication once in the last three years since I got clean it was right after my csection, and I had my husband hold them and give them to me as prescribed. I knew I couldnt do it on my own I was still very new in recovery at that point.

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      • Yes. It is routinely given for pain in Europe. In America, it is more seen as a drug for addicts like methadone but it is being given ore and more to people like me that have a drug problem and a chronic pain problem as well. Part of being in the program is the condition that I attend counseling and have random screens for which they can tell if I am using too much (getting high) or too little (selling them on the street) both of which are things that happen. When I first got out of detox we had a social worker in our lives as well. They never took the kids but they hung like a specter (is that how you spell it, like meaning scary black cloud ghost? 🙂 ) over our home for a whole year. I am glad to be rid of them.
        Between the threat that they brought and the discipline that mandatory screens and counseling has brought has kept me in line with the subs only as I’m supposed to. They are still an opiate. I could abuse them but thankfully I to the point in my recovery where the thought of throwing away the ground I’ve gained with my hubby and kids keeps me in line. I still have days where things really suck and it’s super hard to do what I need to do but writing and reaching out help a ton.

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