I’ve had to remind myself of this lately. I am complex and complicated. As I slip into depression I tend to polarize everything and make myself, past, present and future into some sort of life-wrecking monster instead of a complex being with problems and flaws.
I loved the past Season of Shameless. Seeing Fiona, who in the past has always been the one to clean up everyone else’s mess as she shelved her own needs suddenly go off the deep end just as something really good and functional starts to take place in her life; it felt like home to me.
I am approaching 18 months of successful treatment for addiction. We got the social worker out of our lives. Daughter is in college and Son is doing well at school. I got SSI coming in and Hubby has Voc Rehab so we have a household economy that works without argument or major difficulties.
And I am miserable.Chafing at the bit. Having panic attacks, crying jags and anger outbursts. As well as manic urges to spend what little we have where we don’t need to.
Some days I really really miss the benzos. The bland cool feel that a few Klonopin gave, first in my mouth as the pills dissolve, then to my brain as I lean my head back and let them soak in. These non addictive anti-anxiety drugs DO Not benefit me in the same way. Maybe I need to take up chanting.
God help me. Grant me serenity. I’m particularly short on the courage to change the things I can.
83 more to go.