Another dangerous compulsion I need to stop!

I had finally gotten comfortable in our king size bed, with just the right permutation of pillows and covers to actually be resting instead of tossing and turning. I had light covers, just a sheet. The lights were off and I was listening to my current audiobook, Wally Lamb’s “She’s Come Undone”  with headphones on my Samsung Galaxy S4.

I was in a blissful quasi-sleep, fully immersed in the drama unfolding between Delores and Dante, when my husband flopped down next to me and pulled one of the earphones off of my ear. 

“Are you going to sleep? Cause you don’t want to go to sleep with your phone anymore.”

Extremely irritated at being disturbed and told what to do, particularly since I was being told not to do the thing that was giving me comfort and happiness at that point, I just rolled my eyes and stared at him.

“You can roll your eyes all you want to. Just take a look at the story I posted on FaceBook. You’ll see.”

He’s been saying that to me a lot lately. About the eye rolling. I know it bothers him, and when I am feeling less angry and more considerate of how he feels about my reaction to him, I try to modulate that behavior, but lately, that’s not been the case. So I roll my eyes and he points it out with a failed attempt at nonchalance. If it doesn’t bother you, why do you have to make a specific point about it NOT bothering you?

However, I was genuinely shocked when I saw that video. And amazed and thankful that that girl was not hurt or killed. Than also, incredibly frustrated because I have to give up yet another thing that brings me comfort because it is dangerous, for me and those around me. 

After detox, when I finally started to feel like I was getting a grip on the cravings for opiates, I was dismayed to find that i had other problems underneath or instead of.

My eating, my spending, my mood swings and interpersonal difficulties.. I felt like I was playing whack-a-mole with my hurts, habits and hang-ups. Being chronically ill AND having an addictive personality, it is a constant battle not to be destructive to myself and others around me.

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2 thoughts on “Another dangerous compulsion I need to stop!

  1. Wow, I’m glad I discovered you! Your voice reminds me of my own; you’re an excellent writer. I also have chronic pain and a somewhat addictive personality, as well as a huge appreciation for Wally Lamb. Hi, I’m elizabeth. Nice to meet you. 🙂

    Like

    • Thank you! Right back at you and your blog. I have a real soft spot in my heart for people who suffer from migraines. I have them occasionally but they dominated my baby brother’s life from his freshman year of high school until he passed away in 2007. Chronic pain is a greedy bitch. But people who understand us are soothing even on the worst day. Nice to meet you too.

      Like

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