There was a time when drugs meant everything to me. I put them ahead of my home, my church, my husband and my children. If you asked me what mattered most back then I would have said family and church and reasoned that I NEEDED the drugs the way I was using them to be able to function as needed in the roles of wife and mother.
When pressed for the all important reasons that Renton refers to in the above clip, I would have claimed that the drugs made me a better, more functional version of me. That they helped me past my physical pain and my emotional problems enough for me to do what I had to do.
At first, at very first they did.
Husband would leave for work at 7:30 am. I’d wake up beyond miserable each morning, force myself up, knees screaming and back bent, first to the bathroom, then a slow agonized beeline to the kitchen for caffeine and pills. I’d shuffle back to bed and lay there playing games on my phone or watching Youtube till I began to feel the goodies kicking in. It usually took about 45 minutes. Then I’d get up again and be able to begin my day.
The thing I love about opiates is that along with pain relief, they bring a burst of motivation and wellbeing. I craved that more than I craved the pain relief actually. Meds made me patient and friendly when the kids needed me. Able to interact with my husband when he wanted to instead of so bitterly emotional about our latest argument that I wanted to scream at his very touch.
At some point, though, I became acclimated. Instead of needing the pills to be able to get out bed I needed them just to waste all day every day in bed. The only time I was up or about was if I needed to go get my hands on something or to self medicate my withdrawal symptoms when I was out.
Now that I’m in treatment I do have many days where I wish my pain was better controlled, but when I get upset over my lack of progress, I have a million little markers that I am better off now. I participate now. I am there for my family now, trying to see how I can do more instead of struggling to squeak by with the bare minimum.
Everyone is better off with me like this. I miss the motivation in a bottle, probably more than I care to admit, but being able to keep promises to my loved ones is reason enough to choose right.