After spending hours out today grocery shopping and doing house errands when I still only want to be in bed, Husband and I got into a discussion.
It was the kind of discussion that just escalates without seeming to actually making any progress so both sides just get increasingly more miserable.
We have some painful history that still surprises us both with how it can impact our life together today.
Being in recovery, a substantial part of my life is branded by my past bad behavior. My everyday routine is controlled by the necessary things for me to maintain sobriety, to continue to do more helpful then harmful everyday for me and my family.
It takes two to tango though, and it is NOT petty finger pointing when I get frustrated by the fact that I have to own my behavior on the regular and Husband gets to appear totally innocent. He can fall back on the fact that his problems or issues were not substance related.
Hence they are not quantifiable. Hence when we talk about something in the past that hurt me he can go to his own revisionist history and see me as the drug addled family destroying monster and himself in the role of patient protecting Superman that only wanted what was best for me and the kids.
If he had anger issues or control issues, it wasn’t because HE actually had a problem too. It was because he had no other choice but to respond in that way to those situations.
Now I know enough to know that I will never see our history without bias-ing it in my own favor somewhat. But I also know that from the very start of our relationship, Husband has had control and anger issues. They did not start when my drug abuse started. They were definitely aggravated by the drugs but they were also most certainly there before the drugs were.
So it hurts. It feels like I’m the only one that has to face the monster in the mirror.
So what do I do? Leave it? Forgive it? Argue about it? Suffer in silence?
This is too big a question for right now and I need to give it some space. So, for now, healthy or unhealthy, my solution is some Ben & Jerry’s and YouTube until I can get some sleep.