Ch-ch-changes

Strange fascination, fascinating me
Changes are taking the pace
I’m going through

David Bowie

I’m awake again when I don’t want to be. I really hate riding this roller coaster.

I got stuff going on. Worried about money. Unpaid bills. Health issues. the upcoming school year. My weight. My joints. My teeth. My unhealthy routine. My disorganized household.

Everything feels so big. It gets to where I can’t even break it down into manageable chunks. The way that I learned both at church and in the program is not cutting it for me. One day at a time, moment by moment, sufficient for the day is the trouble thereof.

I am in the midst of things with medications right now. On a course of steroids to try and get on top of this apparently neverending rheumatoid flare. That can hype emotions and get one antsy and falsely energetic. As much as I hate feeling wired like this I am petrified that the course is nearly over.

The past couple days I have been able to get out of bed without help, even first thing in the morning, navigate the house and short distances outside it without my walker and a whole host of other little things that are normally issues for me. I try to relish these little blessings for what they are, impermanent but enjoyable while they last.

Sister and Niece are going back to Texas early early Wednesday morning. We’re supposed to get together one last time for a coffee date tomorrow/later today, whatever. I am dreading saying goodbye to her and the baby and dreading how Son is going to process it and dreading how I process his procession.

I also just had my SSRI changed AND my psychiatrist decided to change my counselor, so the guy I’ve had the past 18 months, since fresh outta detox is no longer my guy. She ( my psychiatrist) feels I need female counsel, so I am waiting for the agency to call me and tell me who she will be and when we will begin.

I don’t have a good conclusion to this post. I’m all at loose ends, sad and panic-y. Of course, I’ll be talking more about this as things progress. As some of the unknowns become known.

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