Not enough gratitude in the attitude..

AKA I’ve been feeling like one ornery BITCH! Yeah that’s right, I said ornery! You wanna make something of it? Didn’t think so, varmint!

My hardass of a recovery counselor never failed to point out to me when I wasn’t seeing my world with proper gratitude. You know, the whole I once felt bad because I had no shoes till I met a man who had no feet kinda thing.

This never failed to earn him a tearful gfy rant from me, about how he had no clue how I was struggling, what it takes to be me, how hard my life is, all my problems, me me me. Of course, by my next appointment, I’d be thankful/apologizing to him for telling me what I needed to hear. And I know a lot of the funk I am stuck in is my own refusal to self-adjust my perspective. I need to happylist.

Happylist: Verb: to take a written count of a certain number of things one has to be happy about in that given day. A concept I created to help Son with his anger and anxiety that I have found a necessary tool in my own recovery.

I’m upset that school is starting back up for us in approximately 30 hours. I’m nervous as hell about money, health issues, routines, marital stuff, a new counselor, and on and on it goes.

I’m also irritable. As FUCK! I wish I had some motherfucking earplugs because Husband is working on his latest song less than 3 feet away from me. Not only does it involve some experimental tappy twangy type guitar riffs which were interesting at first but have now become the equivalent of nails on a chalkboard after hours of practice but it is incredibly hard not to take offense to the lyrics this time, as they go a little something like this:

I like the kissin’ and the huggin’
I’ll even hold your hand
But when you start cryin’
You know I’m not that man

You can’t stop cryin’
That I DON’T understand
Gotta get up in the morning
Yeah, I’m a working man

Really?! Could’ve fooled me, dickwad! Where the hell is this work you gotta get up for? And when? So I can mark on my calendar, peace and quiet and the bedroom to myself this day! Can’t frickin’ wait!!

*sigh*

I realize I am bitchylisting not happylisting. Some days it’s hella easier to KNOW what i need to do than to actually apply myself and do it.

Thanks as always for being a great listener.

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3 thoughts on “Not enough gratitude in the attitude..

  1. Pingback: Lights… camera… acute self-loathing… | mariajay76

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