Roll play

I went to my primary care doctor the other day. I had been putting off this appointment for way too long because I knew it would just lead to a string of other appointments with specialists that are difficult to get in to see that ultimately end up doing nothing useful.

We ended up discussing my weight as I expected we would.  I need double knee replacement and most surgeons have told me that I need to lose at least 50 pounds before I can have this done which is incredibly difficult for me for two reasons.

First, with my arthritis many normal means of exercise are ruled out. The damage in my knees is SO severe that I cant even do a stairmaster or an exercise bike. Some days it takes everything I have to just get around my apartment.

Second, my eating habits are absolutely atrocious.  I have had food issues since I was a teen and have tried many,many different diets over the years with varying degrees of success.  In 2012 I started dropping quite a bit of weight without even seeming to try. I developed some of vertigo issue and I would have days where I couldn’t hold any food down.

In between these episodes,  I ate whatever the hell I wanted.  I was able to wear stuff I hadnt fit in the longest time. I felt like I had finally found the solution to all my food issues.

Then my life went to shit and I realized I had to go to detox. And in detox and directly afterword all my food issues were still there. The reason why food had stopped being an issue is because I had fed every appetite with opiates.  Once they were taken away,  there was a gaping, screaming hole. And I kept from relapsing by filling that hole with sugar, starch and caffiene. And anything else that wouldn’t mess up my screen.

Point of my longwinded story is that I need  help. So when I saw the doctor,  we decided that I will consult with a bariatric surgeon and ultimately end up getting my weight under control with gastric bypass.  Otherwise, I will end up completely bedridden.  On bad mornings I need to be lifted on to my feet and walked into the bathroom.  I want freedom from that, I want to be able to walk without pain.

I was timid about telling Husband what was going on. He likes me plus sized, he always has. Like Sir MixALot: he is a butt man and I am undeniably little in the middle but I pack much back.

But my weight has always been a shifting issue between us. Sometimes he acts like a feeder, like he wants me to blow up to whatever size and he’ll be turned on by it. Then other times he’s trying to be Mr. Caring aka CONTROLLING Dietician. Like the other day, after I’ve gone grocery shopping:

Him, from the kitchen: Why’d you buy this bag of sugar? How does that help your problems?

Me, after not saying all the profane,fight picking responses that 1st come to my mind: Um, I bought sugar because we were out. I guess it helps because now we aren’t out of sugar anymore.

Him: But it’s not good for you, Maria, and you really need to think about what’s good for you if you are ever going to be able to get your knees done, you know that.

Me, again after searching for a response that is not incendiary: But what am I supposed to put in my coffee?

Him: You dont need coffee either, it isn’t good for you.


I know it may sound like I am just defensively dodging logical help here with a problem that I’ve been unable to solve on my own, and that is partially true. Addicts will do that. But please remember 2 things.

1: This is not coming from a man that looks like this:

This is coming from a man that looks like this:

2. He will just as soon bring me fast food in the middle of the night as give a lecture on nutritional value while unpacking our groceries. This is also the same man that has virtually banned 2 percent milk , vegetarian meals and ground turkey from ever again gracing our dinner table.

So I struggle. I also wonder, if after all of the surgeries and weight loss and such, is he still going to find me attractive?


4 thoughts on “Roll play

  1. When I am not in harmony with what is, I am not at ease. Thank you for reminding me of this. I lost my temper in a store yesterday and our youngest son scolded me for it. I had a lapse in awareness. Reading this, I realized that it was my desire to want what is, to be otherwise lead to my dis ease with what is. Thank you for sharing and be well.


    • Thanks for the read, the like and the comment. I will definitely keep posting the good, the bad and the ugly of my life. Blogging has become a necessary tool to my recovery. I wish you wellness and happiness as well.

      Liked by 1 person

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