I really hate nights like last night. My feet and ankles have been in a terrible flare. There is a lot of pain and swelling and it makes standing shaky agony.
It’s truly terrible. And because it’s so terrible it’s really hard to describe without sounding like I’m whining or making things up.
When things are this awful my thoughts get kind of weird. My brain dubbed my swollen ankles and feet boots of pain. As awful as that metaphor or simile or whatever the hell it is is, I can’t seem to settle on anything else.
So I sit. Or lay down. Just me , my boots of pain, and my thoughts. My thoughts inevitably wander to the Little Mermaid. Not too happy redhead Ariel. I’m talking about the real Little Mermaid. The one who made the horribly Faustian deal with the sea witch to get legs.
She agreed to have every step of those super expensive legs be as horrible as if she were walking on knives. I think some versions even had her shedding blood with each awful step.
It must have been something for that castle cleaning staff to get used to bloody footprints everywhere. And poor mermaid couldn’t even explain herself because she had traded her show-stopping voice as well for the dumbass Prince.
But wait I don’t even think that there’s a version of the Hans Christian Andersen version where mermaid even gets the prince. So she gave up everything for a life of mute blood stepping pain per a stupid douchebag prince who didn’t even acknowledge her worth. That is a terrible, terrible bedtime story. Nonetheless, it’s where my head goes on nights like last night.
Oh wait, I don’t even think she gets to keep living either, I think she turns into sea foam or something like that. Sigh. I’m sorry, real mermaid. That really sucks.
In case it’s not obvious, I get insomnia when the pain is this bad. I also get extreme opiate cravings when the pain is this bad. It got super dark for me last night. There was a point where I was sure that if I had something opiate based in front of me I would not hesitate to eat, chew, snort, inject, or otherwise ingest whatever substance it was just to quiet my screaming nerves..
But not really… The problem with that is that you feel better at first. But at some point no matter how great the opiate you took is, you come down. You start feeling again. You have to face life again. And you have to face life where you just used when you said you wouldn’t . And that’s not something I’m willing to face.
As painful as life can be right now, I am not willing to give up the good. I am NOT willing to give up Son and Daughter doing so well. I am NOT willing to give up to give up the awareness of their achievements. I am NOT willing to give up the freedom of not having DCF in our lives. I am NOT willing to give up awareness of my OWN achievements however small they might be.