525,600 minutes..

I’m sad and scared and overwhelmed. Part of that is the holidays, part of it is because I have some major things in the works to meet my goals.

Tomorrow (or actually tonight) I go to the first appointment to get started with the process of weight loss surgery. It takes place in the evening and is called an “informational visit” so I am assuming it’s going to be me and however many other fat people  for the hour looking  for hope by rerouting their digestive system.

I’ve been feeling hyper emotional. Not only am I making the first step in the wls which has so much baggage attached to it that I truly don’t know how to begin expounding upon that, but I also have a plan for my teeth! I saw a dentist at a local clinic the day before yesterday. Upshot of a lot of talking and negotiating is 2 fillings, 5 extractions and a partial.

I am absolutely terrified of going through these appointments without hot and cold flowing self medication. I need shitloads of opiates and benzos to get through things like this. But instead I’m going to make myself go through this. I’m afraid of the pain and misery. I’m afraid of being let down again.

I’m not managing anything well. Not my meds, not my money, not my diet, not nothing. How do I deal?

Oh, also, when I went to the Suboxone doctor, he referred me to a pain clinic, because my pain is out of control. But what are they going to offer me?

So.. I’m not sleeping.. AGAIN.. and I’m feeling sad and vulnerable, so I’ve been watching Rent (live on broadway) on YouTube.. Kind of hilariously when I put it on.. for some reason the signal I was projecting to watch it on my smart tv in the living room projected all the way in to Husband’s smart tv, so all the sudden whatever the hell he was doing was rickrolled by “La Vie Bohieme”. Pretty fucking funny..

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