Without.. you?

I’ve been struggling terribly with depression and insomnia. I can get a little weird when I am self destructive and sleep deprived. I think being on the verge of so much change, ie the bariatric surgery consult, the upcoming dental work and the possibility of trading Suboxone, which has worked for me since mid-2013 (though not without issues) for a pain management clinic.

My marriage has been weird lately too. Husband has apparently regained his ability to induce my tears fairly quickly. He prides himself on being the truthteller in our relationship. But there is a very thin line between being a bold truthteller and being a cynical, critical outspoken asshole. Man, he really gets under my skin sometimes.

Sometimes its the things he doesn’t say. Neither one of us slept on Saturday night. He went to get us drive thru for breakfast, When he came back he cleared the table and  go all about it. I don’t know why he’s so resentful of cleaning up in the kitchen. He acts awfully put upon when he has to do an housework. I can tell when I disgust him. He moves around slamming crap with this tight little grimace on his face. And he says stupid  bullcrap like “If you have to use sugar can you PLEASE put it back where it goes!” But even saying crap like that is better than when he goes around with this disgusted  sneer every time he looks at me and mumbling stuff about what he has to put up with.

He acts like my eating bothers him. Well, 2 things. 1) Whenever you buy drive thru for you, you’re always getting me stuff.  2) I’m not the one with type 2 diabetes eating whatever the eff he wants, burning ketones and destroying your insides, with your family history, maintaining a weight of  300 lbs is scary and unhealthy. It’s .irresponsible. But instead of dealing with your own garbage you pick on me and my jonesing for sugar and caffeine,

Of course, I tried explaining this to you. That when everything is miserable and I feel the desperate need for something, ANYthing to make me feel differently than where I’m at, sugar cuts the opiate cravings.  So really, you should leave me the hell alone about this. I know I need to deal with it. And I’m trying. That’s what going to that information session was all about tonight.

It went well. I came through it deducing that I probably want the sleeve and apparently it takes about 3-4 months to get from the first appointment to the surgery. Between pursuing that and getting the extensive dental stuff done and also  maybe changing my medications with this pain clinic, I am  going to be a fragile,vulnerable yoga-breathing, tearstained pile of useless. God help me!

l love musicals. Songs that describe what’s going on as it does. Songs that sum up what’s what between people. I don’t know why this one has been stuck in my head, maybe because it talks about money and dental damage.

Last but no least,I’ve been thinking about getting high a LOT. As we’ve been rearranging everything in the spare room,I keep daydreaming about finding an old stash and getting loaded. Of course, there’s always friends. The low place kind that hook you up and help you score. I just really miss the motivation for life. The feeling like I can do anything. So far the only place I’ve ever found that feeling comes from a schedule II script.

How do I get back?

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3 thoughts on “Without.. you?

  1. I am ok. I think part of my problem is that I’m finally working on 2 of my most difficult goals to achieve: weight loss and dentistry. Also, inside me I have a half Tasmanian devil/ half kamikaze on full time. She is trying to throw me off track.

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