Lights… camera… acute self-loathing…

Being that I have so many life changing processes that I am pursuing at the moment I had an idea to document things on video with a nebulous further concept of maybe using some of said video on Youtube or somewhere like that to inspire others who had gone through similar things or something.

Since this injection is one of the newest things my medical team is trying to help me reach my eventual goals and improve my quality of life today seemed as logical a time as any to start making vlogs. Husband is a musician and record his music for creative outlet. Some that have been reading here for a while may have read  with me complaining bitterly about him playing the same piece of music over and over trying to get it right like here:this post.

The difficulties of his recording space and our bedroom being the same place have been somewhat resolved as we finally cleared out the third bedroom in our apartment and he moved his recording equipment in there. When he suggested this concept I was whiny and resentful about it. Now I actually appreciate it because I have more space to be me. I can lay down and watch tv at whatever time I feel like instead of having to tiptoe around him and try to comfortably contort myself into the bed with headphones and the tablet. Also, it gave me back another closet in here so we have more space to keep everyone’s clean clothes put away in an order which makes sense which in turn frees up hall closets for storing things that make sense to be stored there.

ANYWAY.. he has offered his services to help me with the recording and editing cause he knows about all that crap with cameras and such and he has been very supportive and available for this. I wanted to get started last night because I was noticing some weird emotional symptoms that reminded me of the time I was on high steroids for a life threatening blood disorder. And I was wondering if there was any connection between then and the fact that I had just been injected with a more potent steroid then I had received before and I wanted to remember how I was feeling if that was the case because the thing about steroid mood is that no matter how horrible it is, no matter how much damage you cause being out of control of your emotions, you don’t clearly remember how bad it is. And since you are causing all sorts of damage you can’t get an unemotional account of how things really went.

So I wanted to document for myself. What I didn’t take into account was how different it is to video record feelings as opposed to writing them down. When I write I have a voice, a presence or “appearance” that I (most of the time) feel secure in.. when being filmed, every wrinkle, every pound,every unkempt inch of insecurity is staring me back in the face. I don’t know if I could ever have the confidence to make a thing out of sharing on camera.


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