What is it with you that makes me act like this?

The title of this post is a plagiarized P!nk’s lyric but it was what I found most fitting to where I am still at. I am the crazy bitch in the video above. Somehow equal parts wanting to destroy Husband and also sad that we are so acrimonious at the moment.

He is furious. Yesterday when he left the house I got paranoid. I felt sure he would pick Son up from school and leave with him to start a new life without the crazy, crippled addict wife to weigh them down. I got to be so fixated on this that I could barely breathe, anxiously ticking off the minutes of the afternoon by stress cleaning. When Son arrived off his bus like normal at 3:40 or so I felt dizzy with relief and wanted to burst into tears and smother him with kisses at the same time. Instead I asked him if he had any homework and told him to take out the trash before going to play with his friends.

Husband arrived home around 5-ish. I was laying down in my room at that point. I was looking at different things on Netflix not really finding anything to be satisfactorily absorbing and halfheartedly trying to earn a Texas Holdem badge on Pogo. I really sucked ass in the room I picked and lost nearly 20,000 tokens mostly out of reckless betting. Usually, I quit if I need to restake the 10,000 it takes to get in the room. That’s how I keep my compulsive self from losing everything every time I play but I was distracted and desperate, listening to the happy sounds of Husband and Son in the living room, playing some noisy game on the laptop while also blaring a cartoon on the tv. How the two of them aren’t driven batshit by the competing streams of noise I’ll never know.

Suddenly, around 6:30 or so all the noise from that end of the apartment ceased and I could tell they were getting ready to go out. Instantly, the ridiculous paranoia came back and I strained to hear sounds of Husband telling Son to pack his overnight backpack (he has one for school and one for sleepovers) but there was nothing like that. As they were leaving though, I heard Son say,”Wait, isn’t Mom coming?” I strained to hear Husband’s reply but could not. Whatever it was it was short. Then they were out the door.

Brief interlude as I finish the leftover chicken picatta from supper. I know emotional night eating is definitely one of the things that cannot continue if I want to actually be successful with the wls I am so aggressively pursuing. Still, I can’t seem to help myself. I’m determined. If I can’t numb chemically then I stuff everything down under a thick layer of starch and sugar.

Back to yesterday.. they left. I knew, knowing Husband, and also the way Son asked if I was coming along that they were going out to eat without me. I wasn’t really upset with that. Had it been a day Husband wasn’t mad at me and he wanted to eat out with Son I probably would have suggested they go together and bring me something back. My knees hurt extra from all the running around the previous day and I really wasn’t in the mood for being out and about the way I felt. But since I was persona non grata to Husband, I knew damned well he wouldn’t order me anything to go, so after a little dithering I ordered pizza, then happily lost myself in the lighthearted silliness of Unbreakable on Netflix. I hadn’t tried watching it till then and it was just goofy and off kilter enough to keep me occupied while waiting for my food, through 2 hot delicious slices of pizza and for the rest of the evening.

Though I was pleasantly distracted by silliness from the mind of Tina Fey I couldn’t help wondering if Husband noted how much quicker and easier it was to get out the door just him and Son. No helping me down the stairs or waiting 3-4 times as long as it takes a normal person for the little walk that we have between the house and the handicapped parking space.

Paranoia about him leaving was kind of ridiculous. The only times we have ever been separated in our nearly 15 years together,13 of those married, the separation was initiated and enforced by me. Husband knows we don’t function well when we are not a team and he knows that he could not hold up without me. Plus leaving when I’m staying would be to leave the apartment. The newly remodeled apartment. And there is no way with his current income as a disabled veteran student on medical leave from school he would ever score anything as sweet as our situation in this complex. And we got this apartment because of me. And Son is in the good school because of me. And doing well in sports because of me. And we have payment plans for our utilities because of me. We function as a team and he needs what I bring to the table.

That being said, he’s still icing me out right now. Earlier today when I left with Son to have ice cream with the grandparents for Son’s birthday and I asked Husband for my atm card back, he slid it under his studio door without saying a word. Then later, when I apologized specifically noting that I had gone over the line, he still wouldn’t look at me. Right now, I’m in our bedroom finishing this post and I can hear him in his studio, and I’m pretty sure he is setting up a cot in there to avoid sleeping in here with me.

Earlier when I was apologizing and he wouldn’t look at me,I felt teary and craved having our intimacy back and really, really wanted to make up. Right now I just feel thankful for his studio because it would suck sharing a bed with someone who doesn’t want me anywhere near them, I said sorry. I really don’t have any other moves. At least not until he DOES decide he wants to share a bed with me again.

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