Before Husband was a student his career was sales. He told me once when you have a tough negotiation and nobody wants to budge and the customer goes quiet that the salesman can use that to his advantage. The salesman will also go quiet and then, unbeknownst to the customer, it becomes a battle of wills. The first one to talk loses. Apparently the need to talk shows some sort of weakness and when the customer does talk he is basically saying, non verbally of course,” I am now putty in your wheeling, dealing, hands, Please direct these negotiations exactly the way you want them to go now.”
Husband views every negotiation or standoff through his cynical salesman’s eyes. He is prideful, very stubborn and absolutely hates to lose. I, knowing this viewpoint but also hating fights that last forever often take the “loser’s position” by attempting negotiations first. It’s a sacrifice I am willing to make for reunification. With this current fight I had already tried to apologize and reunify once, only to be completely “cold shoulder’ed”. I let another few days go by and then I tried again.
I waited until Son was at school and Daughter was at work. He is very private and doesn’t like to feel vulnerable by someone else witnessing us arguing. I then approached him in the kitchen and asked him when exactly I could expect to be treated like a human being again. Not exactly reasonable and apologetic, I know, but I am losing my reasonable, rational perspective on this whole thing more and more every day that it goes on longer.
He rounded on me instantly and said,”You might wanna reverse and ask yourself that same question!”
It took me a second to process the awkward way he phrased what he was trying to say to realize he was saying he did not feel I was treating HIM like a human being. I didn’t understand at all what I could have possibly been doing to him to make him feel that way and told him so. He was the one that had cut off all communication and ceased sleeping in the same bedroom, not me. He was the one that refused any eye contact, not me. And on and on it goes.
SO then he completely loses it and starts bringing up the separation. He’s like, “You’re the one with the unfair reaction to things. The other day, we fight, you throw glass, and I do nothing. (beg to differ on this point, complete freezeout for 5 days NOT nothing, but I kept silent on that as he was still talking) But before, we fight. And your reaction is to instantly start scheming with her to steal my son!”
Whoa! Completely unfair to bring up what I did when I was using and also something that was supposed to be completely forgiven. Also, I hate it when he says “scheming with her” like me separating from him was something Daughter and I cooked up together. She was 17 at the time, and for the record, as happy as she was to be away from his controlling, raging ways, she really hated us being separate. I don’t blame her. A lot was miserable about being in the shelter, AND the separation was something that was needed to get him to get his head out of his ass as far as his own behavior was concerned. Which is something that he admitted at the time but now will not acknowledge. Which I was afraid of. I was afraid me coming back would trigger totally revisionist history to where instead of it being something that was needed to get him to acknowledge his behavior instead it became something that I did, TO destroy our family, as the crazy fuckup addict, that he, the loving, rational voice of reason that only ever did anything out of loving concern for his family’s safety, cleaned up. 😥 😥 😥
I didn’t say all of that, which was what went through my head at warp speed after he said what he did, but just this,”It’s totally unfair for you to bring up what I did while I was using NOW. All of that is supposed to be forgiven history. And you know I hate you dragging Daughter in to what I did. I DID THAT. For you and me. But that has nothing to do with how you are acting now. Cutting me off. I’m doing my best. What else do you want? I can’t take much more of this.”
Him:”So now again, it becomes all about how you feel, how this affects you, etc. It’s ALWAYS about you. And anything you do for me, if you ever do anything for me, is just your means to an end, to get what you want, you use me. I’m just a commodity.”
Me: “So what am I supposedly getting out of this situation, in which I belittle myself and grovel to get you back?”
Him: shaking his head and sighing as if it’s incredibly obvious and I”m just refusing to see it. “Sometimes, most of the time it’s the short game with you. Now and then, though, you go in for the long con. But anything you do, for me or anyone else, is just to get what you want. All about what you get back. I’m just a commodity for you.”
And he walks off to his studio and slams the door, thus refusing anymore conversation. Which has me wondering, do I treat him like a commodity, something to be used when I need it and giving nothing in return? If that’s the case, why do I feel so emotional about him cutting me off? Why can’t I just coldly rationalize that him, as just a commodity, not talking to me or sleeping in the same room as an advantage, less output required on my part? And if I don’t feel that way, which I don’t think I do , then what the hell can I do to make him feel like I am treating him right and he can come back to me now?
Separate from all of this, I’m anxious. Today is the rheumatologist. I am going to let him know about my major decline in mobility and ask him for a power chair or a wheelchair at least. I have asked him for a power chair before, years ago and he refused. saying that if he prescribed it I would become dependent upon it and lose the good mobility that I had. I don’t feel that he can make that same argument now, as I have no good mobility, but he could still decline me. And I don’t know what the hell I’ll do then if he does. Please, send prayers and or positive thoughts my way on this one. I’m really nervous.