As i write this, I am exhausted and sad. My face streaked with tears. My voice is husky from alternately crying and shouting. There is a sense of loss. But I think I do feel a little better.
I have tried and tried to make things better with Husband. But it seems that that one epic fight almost a week and a half ago now unleashed all sorts of resentments in him that he hadn’t really let go of.
There are two things that I am unwilling to do. I am unwilling to cut off every person, be they friend or family, that Husband has chosen to cut off because, in his anger, he sees them as garbage without any redeeming qualities. The fact that many of these people do have redeeming qualities is not apparent to him. The fact that many of these people have struggled hard for years to find his redeeming qualities is also not apparent to him.
The second thing I am no longer willing to do is suppress my anger at him. I used to be able to do this, when I was self medicating with opiates. Instant happy lovey dovey feelings, pain relief, energy and self confidence all in one or three potent little packages some of them even smaller than an M & M, but OH what a difference they made. Better living through chemistry alright! Some women do this with wine. For me it was my pills.
Pills “helped” in 3 ways when it came to my relationship:
1st off, the lovey-dovey feeling they provided helped me to suppress all the tremendous amounts of hurt, anger and anxiety that comes from living with a super controlling, rage-aholic spouse.
2nd, they killed enough of the pain so that I could touch and be touched without wanting to scream.
3rd, the (false) boost in self confidence helped me quiet all the little voices in my head telling me that soon Husband would figure out how much better off he’d be with an able bodied lover, one who had the physical abilities to meet is needs in a way that I never could.
Not that HE ever gave me reason to think that. In all of our nearly 15 years together, the latter 13 married, he never once gave me any real concerns that he might cheat. Sure, there were women that flirted with him, ones that would pounce if anything ever happened to me, but he always made it clear to them that he had no interest in going outside of marriage. During our very darkest times, I used to pray that he WOULD take some woman up on her offer. Or that he would die. I see how horrible that is written down but it’s the truth. Those were the only 2 ways I saw out of the misery that I was drowning in, pulling my children down with me.
The separation, detox, DCF intervention, and counseling have made huge difference in the both of us. We are lightyears better off than we were before. But there are quite a few battle scars. Some of which I am starting to think can’t be healed. Every fight we have has some major old baggage attached to it. The bottom line is, he can’t forgive me for leaving with the kids. Even though we were only separated for 6 months and I’ve been back more than 2 years now. And I can’t forgive his unforgiveness. And all the anger I repressed back then still bubbles out now. It’s far less often than it was at 1st but it’s still most certainly there.
As a recovering addict you live your life with amends that need to made hanging over your head constantly. At least I do. So when Husband has old baggage ready to drag out every time we fight I feel defeated. Like I’m never going to be able to atone for what I’ve done and move the HELL on with our lives! And he really resents my anger. He hates when I am having a bad day and stupid little things that he does drive me nuts and I snap at him. Says he hates walking on eggshells and that I should work harder to remember to treat him like a human being! Which I think is pretty damned ballsy coming from someone whose rage volcanoes burned and scarred me and Daughter for years! Whose temper was the VERY BASIS for separation! But of course in his own revisionist history that was all my doing because I was a crazy, pill popping child stealer.
It hurts. If it wasn’t for how good he was with Son, I’d leave again in a minute. But we both love him too much to have either one of us be with him part time. And we have it good here. Together. Nice, newly remodeled apartment, paid bills,close to my doctors. But neither on of us can afford this on our own. And its been proven Son is miserable living with us separate. So for now, we stay. Platonic, civil, coparenting.. roommates.