Top 5 things wrong with life as I know it…

1. Arthritic progression.

Especially in my hands. I already have major damage and progression in my weight bearing joints but waking up each morning with multiple fingers sausage-y and useless makes even the smallest tasks even more difficult and painful than they already were.

2. Uncooperative/unavailable doctors.

When I had to detox from traditional opiate pain meds there was a medical consensus that in order to have any quality of life I would need to face the issues that I had been using mass quantities of opiates to avoid. Which would mean finding some way of shedding 50-80 lbs then having the knee replacements I have been so incredibly fearful of. But since joint damage has me practically immobile now I need to have wls to lose the required weight to get my new knees. The 1st weight management center I applied at rejected me because I am too complicated medically. The place they sent me to hasn’t gotten back to me yet as it is one part time doctor who has to take the time to review  my application. My pain and immobility have increased exponentially the past year and every doctor I beg to help me with this situation has blown me off to some other doctor who when I can finally get them face to face tells me it is a job for the 1st doc I saw. I’m suffering, fucking miserable and the doctors are all pointing fingers at anyone but themselves so I continue to suffer.

3. I hate myself when life is like this.

All I want to do when things hurt like this is the bare minimum. And I don’t want to be a bare minimum member of the family. But everything is so much fucking effort and I don’t have the energy to channel enough positive affirmation to get my ass in gear and do MORE!!

4. No clue how to get past this.

I finally forced myself to go to the psychiatrist and get back on the antidepressants. It’s been about 4 or 5 weeks of taking as prescribed and I don’t feel any better. Do I keep waiting for them to kick in? Do I complain and try something new? I don’t even know if it’s been long enough!

5. I can’t even identify what the “next right thing” is.

In the past, when things have been dark or difficult like this, one of the ways I have clawed my way back to better days Is just doing the next right thing, and only that, till it’s done. Then move on to the next and etc etc. But things are so sucky and bleak right now I can’t even isolate the next right thing so how the crap do I move on?


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