Disjointed insomniac ramblings…

As an emotional person who struggles with addiction and mental illness, I am affected by many different circumstances.  The seasons, the weather, whether I sleep or not, how the people around me are doing and especially anniversaries of loss.

Husband doesn’t believe in anniversaries of loss, but suffers from them anyway. May is rough because of losing his mother. September was rough for both of us for years after I had a late pregnancy loss. I have a hard time in July and October due to my brother’s birthday and the day of his death respectively.

Not sure where I’m really going with this. Son turned 10 recently and though we had a kickass party for him and he was really happy with it I ended up kinda slipping into a melancholy place cause he isn’t a baby anymore.  That somehow morphed into missing my brother and remembering his babyhood.

I just don’t know who I am if I’m not a mom. Daughter is in school and working 2 jobs, she has a steady boyfriend and they have even contemplated marriage. They’re young and I worry but she has made good decisions so far and I trust her to live her life and even when she does make mistakes she keeps on going.

I’m sad. And I feel disconnected. I need more community of people that understand me but my health has me housebound so much. Getting out is such difficulty that I have an almost agoraphobic response to needing to go out.  Plus, my walker needs to be replaced. It doesn’t fold down properly so it’s a huge pain in the ass to get in and out of the car. Then it wants to derail if there are any changes in the terrain or if I have a pebble or a twig in my path.

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