Psychedelic whales and mommy issues..


I colored this yesterday. Don’t know you can see my anxiety and stress in the lines and crazy colors. I feel really huge and crazy right now. I know my eating has been out of control. We went to Boston today for the first appointment for gastric bypass at Boston Medical Center.

This appointment isn’t even at the hospital itself. It’s at some hotel conference center type place. I’m guessing they did that so they could have conference room? I don’t really know. I thought hospitals came with conference rooms. I’ve been to enough AA and NA meetings in hospitals and they always seem to find room for those.

Husband takes me. I have him drive because I get insanely nervous driving in the city. We make it with a few minutes to spare. It turns out the hotel with all the conference rooms is right next to the hospital itself.

When we get there Husband loads me in to the chair and we ride the parking garage’s elevator up and down unsuccessfully trying to get to the hotel itself. Finally, Husband parks me by the elevator and goes to ask some woman if she knows how to get to the hotel conference room. She points out the way, says she’s headed there herself and Husband comes back to get me.

He says, while eyeing her retreating figure up and down, “I think she’s going the same place as us, not that she needs it!”

I just roll my eyes. I really don’t get mad about this kind of thing. She’s a little smaller than me, obviously much more healthily mobile than I am, but so what? Isn’t that why I am considering all of this? To regain mobility on these trashed joints? To be able to have a fraction or a modicum of independence? To not have everyday existence feel like impossible, immeasurable misery?

As far as getting jealous over Husband finding someone else attractive.. that’s not news. We both find other people attractive. Sometimes even the same people. (As in me having girl crushes) but we’re committed to each other and neither of us really have the energy for anyone else outside of fantasy.

But still, I left that session overwhelmed and deathly afraid of blowing the one shot I have at improving my quality of life. Am I going to be successful with this, like Aunt and Cousin or completely self sabotage like my Mother?

So many issues.. And if all goes well I could be under the knife in six months or so.

Totally off topic, Son is having a sleepover and they are kind of loud, but he’s happy..

Another random artwork made me think about Dolores Price, who is by far one of my favorite fictional heroines.

Also, OITNB season 3!!


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