SO all of this writing is pulled from when I very 1st started using WordPress. I was at a raw point in my life as the text will show. I am reposting as a reminder to myself and anyone else in recovery that if you stay at it, things will improve.
I need this reminder now because I have gotten in to a very shameful, dark headspace as I persue wls and have to examine the depth, origin and consequences of my food issues. I need this reminder to show me if I let professionals and caring others help me and follow suggestions made by people smarter than me who have done this all before, I can make progress. Major things can change. Things that seem insurmountable. I’m not saying I have reached the pinnacle of addiction recovery, not even less than halfway there.. but my life is definitely lightyears better than how it was when I started and I truly did accomplish that one day at a time.
Ok.. so a lot has happened and maybe not enough has happened. I wonder sometimes.
My family is doing very well.
Son is having a much better time in 3rd grade than 2nd. Many things contribute to this, I know. He started with the other kids instead of the middle of the year. He has had an excellent IEP in place since the very 1st day of school and it has made all the difference. Plus, his home routine has smoothed out and stabilized tremendously. I realized early in with him that reliable routine is his personal secret for success. If he knows what to expect by what day it is, he functions extremely well and has next to no anxiety. So, even though there are still many things to be resolved between Husband and me, I think that us co-parenting, under the same roof as a reliably united front has helped him tremendously.
Daughter is still living with my parents. I miss her like crazy some days and we really have to work at getting time together cause she is so busy, but she is doing incredibly well in that GED program at the career center. She just got certified in her microsoft class and she is taking the last of the GED tests this AM. Yesterday waws her last day of “school” there. When she goes back on Monday she will be working for Sally, doing whatever she needs from computer tasks and making copies to helping another student understand his or her assignment.
Husband got his Voc Rehab and he’s thrown himself into being a student. They are paying for school,, full ride plus supplies and something to live on. This is truly an answer to prayer. He’s wants to do a degree in mechanical engineering at Umass Dartmouth. He’s been out of school for a really long time though so the Umass guy said for him to do a few credits at Massasoit, then he’ll take him at Umass.
We only have the one car now. So Tuesdays and Thursdays I am on my own getting Son to the bus, and then left alone for the day in the house. First I was just binge watching whatever I could lose myslef in to fill the hours or playing games on the computer, jumping from fcebook to pogo to big fish. Maintainting level and raising scores like these things matter to my life.I have felt some measure of guilt or need to show that I accomplished something in the hours and hours that he was off learning and my kids were doing what they were supposed to be doing, but I was just wasting away and I’m not even wasted anymore.
I am heavy.. not just fat I feel heavy when my knees are flared like this. When I stand up, the pain is tremendous. i don’t know what t o do. I meet with a knee surgeon from Tufts and i am sure that they are gonna tell me that I need to lose 80 lbs before they’ll do anything because my size combined with the other risk factors makes me a too big of a risk and guarunttes needing to do the op agoin way too soon., end up in a wheelchir blah diddy blah blah!
The thing is, I HATE being this size. And… I’m overtired and emotional so I will post more later
If you tell me something that I did that you don’t like and I say ok, and even apologize is there really any reason to keep going on and on about it? I know you’re pissed that I burnt the pizza. I know that you spent $48 on those pizzas cause they were for Son’s fundraiser. Do you think being a complete d-bag about helps me? Helps us? Resurrects overpriced veggie pizza?
And why do you tell me something and then keep talking crap to yourself, but loud enough for me to hear you? What does that do but drive us even further apart? Which is something you were lamenting last night and the night before and the night before when you think I’m sleeping and you lay next to me talking about how far apart we’ve grown.
Here’s a nifty idea! Why don’t you try doing something that fosters some intimacy between us? Asking me what would make me happy? Doing something to make me happy?
I went to therapy today after having missed 2 appointments in a row. I suppose I should make it clear exactly what depends on this therapy going right. I am in recovery. DCF is in our lives. My marriage and my relationship with my children is on the line and this clinic is who supplies with my insurance subsidized suboxone therapy without which, my life as an opiate addicted rheumatois arthritis patient is even more hell on walker, then it is now. Most days I don’t even want to get out of bed in the am at all. I sit at the edge of my bed, tears welling up in my eyes. Hands, wrists, knees, cankles and feet swollen beyond reason red, mishappen and feeling next to useless. My shoulders ache to a point that even the slightest movement of my neck or my arms feels like a scream. So I sit, on the edge of the bed, putting off the weight bearing untill my bladder won’t let me wait any longer.
ANYways..because i am a fuck-up addict who can’t keep her shit together even when everything depends on it, I have missed my last 2 appointments w/o calling and skipped my last 2 random urines.
Why, you may ask.. Well I’ll tell you.. the appointments are because I was afraid of being put on notice like today, wherein Counsellor made me sign an agreement saying that if I missed 1 more appointment w/o 24 hrs notice that I would be kicked out of the program! Meaning no more therapy that has kept me relatively on the straight and narrow , no more suboxone, no more managability, not to mention wtf the judge would say if they realized that I bombed out of the only thing I had going for me.
The reason why I skipped my last 2 color days is because both times they were called when I had run out of subs before my refill date and I was terrified that my pee would tell on me, that I, the colossal , fuck-up am now doing the same bullshit with my addiction therapy that I did with my painkillers. Using more than prescribed right after refill, trying to escape everything I hate about me and running out early. So now I am exactly 1 missed appointment away from losing what little ground I have managed to gain by completely bombing out of treatment.
Please, please, please GOD, help me get my crap together!