Bubbles and birthday parties..

One of the biggest changes I know I need to make before and because of the wls is giving up carbonation. Not just soda (which is a huge empty calorie issue for me.. I love it the sweeter the better) but all fizzy things, like seltzer and sparkling cider, which I dearly love. Seltzer is kind of a place filler for me. I like it because it gives the hint of flavor and especially the carbonation. I love swallowing the bubbles. It does something for me, it helps whenever I give up soda to have something bubbly to take it’s place.

But having wls means giving up carbonated beverages altogether. I didn’t realize that until I was reading
Banded Carolina Girl the other day. Her site is very informative for any prospective wls patient, whether it be the lap band like she got or the full gastric bypass like I am pursuing. She has a ton of useful tidbits on how to weather the lifestyle changes and be successful with your surgery and also discusses her own ups and downs openly and with humor.

Anyway, I didn’t think I’d have to give up carbonation completely. It makes sense, because the gas expands your stomach which would stretch the pouch. In fact, reading that made me remember how one of Son’s friend’s moms was telling me that her surgeon had encouraged her to have a small sip of soda per day. SFM used to be so big that it impaired her mobility., not as badly as mine is now impaired but she needed help up from sitting positions and she used a cane or grabbed whatever was nearby to support herself. She had weighed over 300 and she’s several inches shorter than me so that put her at a little less than 5′ tall. But her gastric bypass worked extremely well. So well in fact that her surgeon is encouraging her to eat more and have the daily sips of soda because she has reached her goal weight and is continuing to lose. The soda sips are to purposefully stretch her pouch so she can eat more and STOP losing weight. I cannot fathom having that problem.

Some people are just blessed like that. My plus sized friend’s husband need dessert every day or he loses weight. As someone with a lifelong weight battle, Friend finds this cosmically unfair. My own Sister has trouble keeping weight on. She has to be careful what she eats and remind herself to eat or she gets really thin, thinner than she wants to be. She got the opposite of the food issues that I did and leans more toward anorexia than binge eating disorder. She’s also a vegetarian. She gained 50 lbs having my beautiful niece but before Niece turned 1 Sister had dropped that 50 lbs and then some.

I digress.. back to me and carbonation. I had just kind of figured that I would have to make the major change of not drinking soda anymore, but I figured if I really craved something or wanted to celebrate I could have seltzer or sparkling cider. Being in recovery I don’t drink so alcohol isn’t an issue. I just assumed I could still have seltzer and such because my mother has had the bypass and seltzer is practically all she drinks. But my mother also put 120 lbs back on after losing 200 or so, so I really should stop mentally consulting what she does to think about what I might do.

Husband is convinced Mom will sabotage my weight loss efforts. He knows that she gets great enjoyment out of seeing me fail. She also especially hates seeing me achieve something she cannot. And my plan now, to have the wls then get my knees replaced was what was supposed to be her plan back when she had her wls in 2001.

For a while she was steadily losing weight, but then it started creeping back on, then piling back on. Now she’s stuck, not at her biggest but still super morbidly obese, no other wls options, so she spends her days eating, taking heavier and heavier painkillers and washing them down with wine. It would burn her up to see me succeed where she failed. And I am petrified of failing.
My worst self is everything I can’t stand about her, which means when I am down on myself I constantly make comparisons in my head asking myself if I’m turning into her.

It’s also why I can see two outcomes to my own wls. In my best case scenario, I am able to make the changes needed and I lose the weight. The weight loss comes with relief of joint pain and I am able to regain mobility and even get my new knees. 5 years from now I am a completely different person.

In my worst case scenario, I really blow it. The cravings and the “gotta” get the better of me and I don’t really lose much. Then, before it can have any positive effect on regaining my mobility, I start regaining weight. That, and the fact that there is nothing else that can be done to help with my weight is so depressing that I just spiral, gradually losing all my independence till I am useless to myself and others. 5 years from now I become Penny from “My 600 pound life.”

When I was worrying about all this during therapy the other day my counselor reassured me that the reason why they have a psych component and that my issues aren’t any different from anything they have seen before. I hope she is right. But I’m scared.

In other news, today is my mother’s birthday. She’s kind of weird about never wanting to celebrate it and currently that’s a relief as we are kind of on the outs right now. Sort of.. I guess it’s the outskirts of the outs but still.. I find it a relief that I can get away with just a quick phone call.

Now I must post this post and get ready because we are going to Son’s friend’s birthday party. With the wls looming in my mind, I am acutely conscious of every time I have a plateful of food that will become a no-no.

The other day Son had his cultural fair at school and I ate all kinds of delicious food.. everything from fried meats and pierogis to tres leches cake.. YUM!! After wls just eating delicious food because it’s there won’t be an option. But hopefully all of that will lead me to where I want to be.

Today I am grateful for my wheelchair. I am sad about it at sometimes and resentful of it at others, but on days like today when the chair means the difference between whether I can participate in something that is important to Son or not, I am grateful for the chair.

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4 thoughts on “Bubbles and birthday parties..

  1. I know what you mean about worrying about becoming like your mum, coz I do that too with regards to my FM.
    I am the same with my wheelchair too LOL – I hate it, but on the days it’s the difference between being able to do something or not, it’s a real blessing.
    Good luck with everything (((hugs)))

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  2. In case you can’t see it, I sent you a delicous cup of coffee.. It came out so small on my screen.. I gotta learn more symbol code.. ANYways.. Coffee with friends is one of my favorite things.. Enjoy!

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  3. I know this sounds like pretentious bunk, but be positive. My tattoo on my right wrist says ‘A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step’. I see my weight loss as a thousand mile journey. My first step was getting that tattoo to remind me everyday that it’s going to be hard and I’m going have to make some seriously tough choices, but when I can run for the bus or shop in a normal clothes shop, it will be worth it. The tattoo on my left wrist says ‘Cake is not the issue here’. This is a quote from a book by Terry Pratchett, a wonderful author whose words and stories have been a part of my life since the age of 10. I chose this quote for a number of reasons. Terry recently passed and as someone who had a huge impact on my life, I wanted him to be part of my first tattoo. Cake is NOT the issue here, I’m the issue. But I can, I hope, change that. So stay positive. I will hold your hand on this metaphorical journey as we both take our first steps.

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