Baader-meinhof and all the other things gon going on in my life that got me feeling some type of way

Baader Meinhof is the term that’s been on my mind quite a bit lately has it happened to me several times in recent weeks. This is the phenomena where you hear a word or perhaps phrase for the first time and then shortly after that you start hearing it all the time.

This happened to me first with the phrase ” hit the Quan”. One of my Facebook friends posted the clip of the news anchor women dancing to the song. It caught my attention so then I looked up the song, listened to it, got frustrated that I  had no clue what the lyrics meant then looked up those as well.

After googling the lyrics and reading enough so that felt I had some understanding, I saw that song everywhere. I don’t know if an experience can qualify as the baader-meinhof phenomenon when it involves something that’s viral because the whole concept of something being viral means that it’s everywhere all the time. That being said, I feel like I had a Baader Meinhof type experience with hit the Quan. Shortly after all of my googling, Facebook friend posted about his experience hearing the song and then immediately feeling the need to google the lyrics so that he could define them. That somehow validated my thoughts of Baader Meinhof.

I then had a very similar experience with the phrase “feeling some type of way.” I first came across it on Love and Hip Hop Atlanta. This is a show I stumbled upon and have been binge-watching for much of the time that I’ve been housebound. Something about all the messiness and drama in these people’s lives soothes me and somehow counts me be okay with all  the messiness  and drama in my own. I am sure cat that speaks to something messed up in my own character. But all of these goals I have set and I’m slowly slowly working on well hopefully work towards fixing some of that. In the meantime I take comfort wherever comfort is.

Being that all the cast is from the south, they do use some slang that I am unfamiliar with however I can usually deduce what people mean by the context. But this particular phrase stumped me. So much like the whole hit the Quan thing, I googled and read a bunch of entries on Urban Dictionary. I even look up things on Facebook and YouTube. I came across the Rich Homie Quan song “Some type of way”. 

Again much like the first experience, once I understood the term, I started hearing it everywhere. I found out later from Husband that it was a term that’s been around not really something new. Far as I can understand, it’s a term that existed and then was somewhat revived with the popularity of the song.

Guess I’m talking about all this nonsense to avoid the real topic of how terribly I’m struggling. Pain and immobility have taken me over. I am NOT a functional human being. I am merely existing, barely doing the minimum of self-care. I made quite a bit of progress with several phone calls on Friday afternoon. I think I made quite a bit of headway toward getting my PCA, I also worked on my appeal for the scooter, and help do the referral for the in home physical therapy that I both tried and desperately need.

Monday I need to make headway on the hand doctor, dentist appointments and pain specialists. I am both terrified and desperately in need  of actual pain management. I cannot seem to communicate that to the people around me.

I have been on the same Suboxone dose for the past two years. That is now simply maintenance. It does nothing or next to nothing to actually help with my pain. Within those same two years, I have had a major decline in my physical condition and a major increase in my pain. I think maybe my Suboxone doctor understands the situation but he has no clue how difficult it is to self refer to these pain clinics when you are in my situation. So month after month when I see him and he doesn’t see me any closer to transitioning into a Pain Clinic because I haven’t been able to get on an appointment he sighs in frustration and writes me another refill. So month after month things stay the same.

I need change. I can’t go on like this. The trapped desperate need to feel different is scary and somehow horribly familiar.

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