Fucked up, insecure, neurotic, emotional

I spent all last night tossing and turning, nightmarish dreams and sweaty sheets.. I woke at 3 am to viciously vomit up everything I had eaten yesterday. Then the cramps and loose bowels set in (sorry tmi)..

A bit of backstory on my current misery… my pain clinic doc had ordered medication management, which means that my meds would be in a lockbox in my home that I don’t have a key to, and a nurse will come every day to dispense my meds.. This is due to the fact that I have a history of abusing my opiate pain meds but I also have a severe and degenerative form of arthritis which means I need these meds to function. ANYways.. last Friday the nurse came out to assess me for the program.. for the past several months I had been having my mom fill my scripts and give me a weeks worth at a time, but we had a falling out over the holidays and I (foolishly) told her I didn’t need the help that had actually worked for me for several months.. So the script I got at the end of December was gone quite quickly, knowing that I would be facing a pill count and a piss test at my January appointment I called and lied to the pain clinic on appointment day saying that they needed to fix the ramp at my apartment and I couldn’t safely get out till February.. The doc wrote me a script for two weeks and ordered the med management. I knew this was coming and actually feel glad about a way to have my meds and not fuck it up but my problem is that i was still taking more than prescribed. So now, the nurse has been out to assess me, his report will go to my insurance company and then if approved the management will start.. problem being.. I don’t know when this will be and if I have no pills or a lot fewer than I should when it starts, they’ll report that and I’m royally fucked.. that brings us to why I was in full blown withdrawal this am.. I was attempting to skip a couple of days and make up for the extra pills I took. but when I was so fucking miserable this am and I called the nursing service to see if and when the service would start for me they said I hadn’t been processed by the insurance department… so at that point, I said, fuck it, and took two pills.. I had hubs make me some broth and toast and laid down.. within and hour or so I was feeling much better.. still am.. but if they call tomorrow or Friday and say I’ve been approved and services start immediately I’m ROYALLY FUCKED. So I feel better, but I don’t cause I hate the weak and craving part of me that takes too many pills knowing that I’m causing a spiral that will lead to a shitstorm of problems..

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