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Serenity before insanity?

So the med nurse, as mentioned in the previous post, is coming in the am. I am short a good number of the narcotic pills I am supposed to have and I don’t know what that means at this point.

Will she count them on intake, do the math and immediately report me to my pain doc, thus getting me kicked out of the clinic?

When I woke up this am I planned to solve this dilemma by simply avoiding their calls.. a visiting nurse, even though they are doctor ordered, cannot come by without my permission.  Though they can be quite pushy, it’s still my choice.  But when I came out of Walmart, last night, at about 6:45, I saw that the nurse had called and left a message about  coming by.. Instead of just ignoring the message that I legitimately missed, I called back and scheduled her for this am. It is now about 2:45 am and she will be here about 10 am.

I don’t even know what to feel at this point. When I got home with Hubs and Son after being out running errands all day, I burst into hysterical tears and was inconsolable for several minutes. When hubs asked what was wrong I told him I was tired and discouraged. Ths was no lie.. being out today was a drain. Transferring in and out of the car, particularly transferring back in was an incredible struggle physically and whenever that happens it is an emotional drain as well. I am so freaking tired of my very existence being exhausting.. Why aren’t we already in an accessible unit, that I can just roll in and out of? Why is my own family vehicle something that is SUCH a physical strain for me to use?

A lot of other things in my life are causing me to feel like things are happening for a reason, like God is working in my life for the better.. but does that, or my behavior mean ultimately that I am going to have to go without pain medication?  Am I just that much of a screw up that I burned my last bridge in the medical community for getting the only med that touches my pain?

I don’t know any of these answers. And this is out of my hands. I have to surrender. Right here and now, that’s easier than I thought. It may feel like quite a different story if I am withdrawing a few days from now.

 

 

 

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