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Off to the races, I’m goin’ places..

This is my current earworm as I count the minutes till I can leave for my meeting tonight. In my head though, I’m saying all those lyrics sarcastically because nothing is “so great” right now.

 

I went out for a while this afternoon, by myself just to get the skin crawly, cooped up, antsy feeling away and it worked.. for a while. Being back at home the antsy feeling came back. I think it’s cause I am still pissed at Husband.. we got a lot of stuff unresolved at the moment but even though it has me pissed and antsy I don’t quite have the energy to invest in working it out. Not right now anyway. Mostly because I know he’s never going to respond the way I need him to. And I’m not 100% sure he isn’t lying to me right now about his own medical crap which makes me question every statement he makes and feel furious at every accusation he utters. So it all remains unspoken. It’s tense but functional. Notice I didn’t say healthy.

Husband needs triple bypass surgery. His dire health situation is pretty much the only thing that’s keeping me from walking or “rolling” out on his angry, controlling ass with Son.. because God forbid he dies.. I don’t want to be what came between Son and his dad at the end of his dad’s life. But his necessary surgery had been postponed three times now and I’m halfway convinced that Husband is sabotaging his surgical dates on purpose and telling me the hospital is bumping him. I mean, what freaking hospital moves a triple bypass 3 times?!

So I am waiting for his next surgical date and if somehow, magically, the operation doesn’t happen AGAIN, I will be calling his doctors, his visiting nurses, his whoever, to see if I have any rights or abilities to get him medically compliant. Son is off to camp in the Berkshires for a week 7/16. Hubs is supposed to have his operation 7/18. Right now, having the house to myself for at least 5 days both thrills and terrifies me.

Continuing to binge Nurse Jackie and wonder what it would be like to not be with Hubs. We’ve been married for 16 years. I wonder what it would be like for either one of us to not be together.

Attitude of gratitude: I am glad for the meeting I’m going to tonight. This one is like home.

And since I started with Demi Lovato, I’ll finish with her as well. this is her in her brief but adorable role on Glee when she was with Santana.

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I can feel inside me, the sickness is rising…

I am coming apart at the seams. Husband is basically of the attitude in the above video. He sees me as weak and selfish. When I got active with my recovery in the past I was much more mobile and independent so whenever I felt like I couldn’t stand it anymore I could go to a meeting. I was involved in service projects and was able to stave off the worst of the cravings. Now that I am in the wheelchair full time it’s so much more difficult. Technically I can still drive but because we don’t have a wheelchair van I need help to get my chair or scooter in and out of the car which either means having someone take me or someone to put me and the chair in the car then someone at the other end to get my chair out and help me in it. That doesn’t really work when going to a meeting I haven’t been to before. So  I am stuck.

I’ve been rewatching Nurse Jackie from the beginning again. I find myself even more fascinated by Eddie and Jackie. Feeling as guilty, angry and fucked up as I do right now, I almost wish I had an Eddie for a husband instead of a Kevin. Someone who would enable me when I needed to be messed up instead of hating me for it. I know that is beyond wrong. I know I am beyond a failure as a wife, mother, sister and friend. A garbage person. And obviously struggling with self loathing and despair. My head is fucked.

My top 5 depictions of addiction…

Husband doesn’t understand why, even though I’m in treatment for opiate addiction and still struggle on a daily basis with some aspect or another OF my addiction, that I choose so much of my entertainment to be about addicts.

I can’t fully explain it myself, except it resonates. I see me, I see my family, I understand the addict AND the people that are furious and disgusted with them. It’s engrossing. It helps time fall away. And sometimes there’s just that stupid addict comfort of, “Well, I never sunk THAT low!”

That being said, here are my personal top 5:

Nurse Jackie

I’ve watched her bombed and I’ve watched her sober and I’m still hooked. Mostly now I re-watch when I do  cause it seems like April is a long, long way away. I can’t wait to see how it all works out!

Flight

This is not one I re-watch. It is a very accurate depiction and a good movie.. maybe I just find it too convicting somehow. It’s just not one I want to repeat, for whatever buried reason, but it is worth watching.

Trainspotting

Renton pretty much describes deep opiate addiction right there. Who needs reasons? And any addict can tell you in there worst moments they can put ANY word in the place of reasons when they really need a fix. We will put anything on the line for that feeling. And I guess that’s really the problem, isn’t it?

Shameless

Freaking love this show! It hits me on so many levels. Addiction in the family, mental illness in the family, feeling awful for how my active addiction has hurt people I love, feeling furious at other’s active addiction hurting people I love and on and on. Kind of amazing.

Thanks For Sharing

I initially avoided watching this because I didn’t like the press I had seen on it and it seemed like it would upset rather than entertain me. Then one night I was bored and in pain and looking for something to occupy my mind on Netflix. I saw this and put it on with my normal “I’ll give it 5 minutes” attitude and I watched it straight through. The chemistry and comedy between Josh Gad and Pink is amazing and hilarious.