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I can feel inside me, the sickness is rising…

I am coming apart at the seams. Husband is basically of the attitude in the above video. He sees me as weak and selfish. When I got active with my recovery in the past I was much more mobile and independent so whenever I felt like I couldn’t stand it anymore I could go to a meeting. I was involved in service projects and was able to stave off the worst of the cravings. Now that I am in the wheelchair full time it’s so much more difficult. Technically I can still drive but because we don’t have a wheelchair van I need help to get my chair or scooter in and out of the car which either means having someone take me or someone to put me and the chair in the car then someone at the other end to get my chair out and help me in it. That doesn’t really work when going to a meeting I haven’t been to before. So  I am stuck.

I’ve been rewatching Nurse Jackie from the beginning again. I find myself even more fascinated by Eddie and Jackie. Feeling as guilty, angry and fucked up as I do right now, I almost wish I had an Eddie for a husband instead of a Kevin. Someone who would enable me when I needed to be messed up instead of hating me for it. I know that is beyond wrong. I know I am beyond a failure as a wife, mother, sister and friend. A garbage person. And obviously struggling with self loathing and despair. My head is fucked.

Does this stigma ever wash off?

I admit I fucked up. I did. I found a loophole in my tightly regimented meds and was abusing it. Actually, I was abusing some otc meds which potentiate my meds that are kept in a lockbox and distributed to me by a nurse 3 times per week. I burned through a new bottle of pills without realizing it, panicked and ordered more before hubs could realize it and then today, before they came, he needed a dose of one of the meds. So even though I’ve been in recovery for 4 years he is back to square one with trusting me.

Now he just stormed out of the house with our son at 10 pm at night refusing to tell me where he was going. And to make matters worse, I think he may use this as an excuse to yet again postpone his much needed triple bypass surgery! More on that later..

I know this post is all over the place. I am posting it because blogging helped me get my shit together before and I’m hoping to do it again.

 

Maria Johnson’s Personal Page for SHARE FUN WALK 2016

I hardly ever use this blog as a platform for sales or fundraising. I suck at sales even when I believe in the product and I’m hardly ever involved in fundraisers either.

However, SHARE at UmassDartmouth is a wonderful program that I truly believe in. They have provided life changing technology, DME and other assistive devices to the disabled community since 1981.

They’ve provided me personally with an accessible laptop and other helpful household items. In return, I will be doing the FUN “WALK”. (I added those quotes as I am obviously completing the route using my scooter.. I’m told I’m not the only wheelchair user participating) I have a goal of $100 in pledges. Donations can be made using the link below. Every little bit helps. Thank you!

Source: Maria Johnson’s Personal Page for SHARE FUN WALK 2016

Revive VoxBox from Influenster

I absolutely love free samples, so I was thrilled the other day when my first VoxBox arrived from Influenster.

I haven’t been a member of Influenster very long, so I was pleasantly surprised when I was told that I was picked to receive this month’s VoxBox. I was even more surprised at how quickly after receiving the notification that the box actually showed.

The cheerful yellow box was filled with 3 protein powder packets from VitaminShoppe, a 20 ounce shaker cup, 3 compostable single serve coffee pods #BrewAndRenew, SnackWell’s Biscuit Thins  and SheaMoisture Fruit Fusion Coconut Water Shampoo and Conditioner. There were also coupons for VitaminShoppe and for the coffee pods.

Here’s my unboxing video ( it’s my first ever YouTube post,btw):

 

I received all of these products free for testing purposes..

To join Influenster and get amazing boxes like this for yourself:

http://www.influenster.com/r/2032440

 

 

Anger mismanagement

I’ve really been struggling lately. I’ve been filled with this barely suppressed rage all the time.

Husband, especially, brings this out in me. He’s not even doing anything wrong. Just being in the same room as him infuriates me. The way he talks, his sense of humor, his habit of reminding me constantly of all the basic adult things I do on a daily basis, the way he sounds when he eats, his breathing issues ( which causes him uncontrollable coughing fits while awake and snoring like a lawnmower when asleep) and his basic denial (and refusal to deal with) his serious health issues.

So I’m furious all the time now.  And I’m in a state of transition, which always has me a little crazy.  Now I’m trying to get through this, establish a HEALTHY new normal and keep striving towards my goals instead of rampant self destruction.. which on nights like tonight seems much more appealing..

So I write. I don’t know if this actually helps but journaling is a positive activity and any night like this that I can make myself behave positively vs the wreckage I want to set in motion is a major win.. for me and everyone around me as well