I’ve needed to post for a while now. I’ve got a few new subscribers and readers who’ve commented and also this is a proven tool that helps me be less self destructive. I’m also doing this particular post to see how well I can post using my phone. Seems to be fairly receptive to speech to text so that’s useful on days like today when my hands are super swollen and useless. So much has happened, so many emotional things and many days I find myself struggling to hold on keep going and not be self-destructive. More on this later. Whoever is reading this thank you I’ll try to post more.
I’ve been struggling greatly in my marriage. We’ve been together for 17 year, 16 of those married and weathered a lot together.
Lately, I’ve had two modes of response to Husband, either desperate longing to be closer or rage at his very existence. This is unfortunate because any time I can find the words to vocalize my need for us to be closer he brings up all the recent examples of my rage toward him. I simply cannot make him understand that both modes are different sides of the same coin.
The only thing we seem to be able to agree upon is Son and working together to make sure he has what he needs.
I know we’re broken and I keep imploring Husband to help me bridge the rift between us. He fires back that I must be living in a fantasy land because ALL he’s doing is trying to bring us closer together.
I’m so deeply lost that I don’t have perspective. I can’t see if he truly is trying or just full of himself.
I am coming apart at the seams. Husband is basically of the attitude in the above video. He sees me as weak and selfish. When I got active with my recovery in the past I was much more mobile and independent so whenever I felt like I couldn’t stand it anymore I could go to a meeting. I was involved in service projects and was able to stave off the worst of the cravings. Now that I am in the wheelchair full time it’s so much more difficult. Technically I can still drive but because we don’t have a wheelchair van I need help to get my chair or scooter in and out of the car which either means having someone take me or someone to put me and the chair in the car then someone at the other end to get my chair out and help me in it. That doesn’t really work when going to a meeting I haven’t been to before. So I am stuck.
I’ve been rewatching Nurse Jackie from the beginning again. I find myself even more fascinated by Eddie and Jackie. Feeling as guilty, angry and fucked up as I do right now, I almost wish I had an Eddie for a husband instead of a Kevin. Someone who would enable me when I needed to be messed up instead of hating me for it. I know that is beyond wrong. I know I am beyond a failure as a wife, mother, sister and friend. A garbage person. And obviously struggling with self loathing and despair. My head is fucked.
I admit I fucked up. I did. I found a loophole in my tightly regimented meds and was abusing it. Actually, I was abusing some otc meds which potentiate my meds that are kept in a lockbox and distributed to me by a nurse 3 times per week. I burned through a new bottle of pills without realizing it, panicked and ordered more before hubs could realize it and then today, before they came, he needed a dose of one of the meds. So even though I’ve been in recovery for 4 years he is back to square one with trusting me.
Now he just stormed out of the house with our son at 10 pm at night refusing to tell me where he was going. And to make matters worse, I think he may use this as an excuse to yet again postpone his much needed triple bypass surgery! More on that later..
I know this post is all over the place. I am posting it because blogging helped me get my shit together before and I’m hoping to do it again.
I hardly ever use this blog as a platform for sales or fundraising. I suck at sales even when I believe in the product and I’m hardly ever involved in fundraisers either.
However, SHARE at UmassDartmouth is a wonderful program that I truly believe in. They have provided life changing technology, DME and other assistive devices to the disabled community since 1981.
They’ve provided me personally with an accessible laptop and other helpful household items. In return, I will be doing the FUN “WALK”. (I added those quotes as I am obviously completing the route using my scooter.. I’m told I’m not the only wheelchair user participating) I have a goal of $100 in pledges. Donations can be made using the link below. Every little bit helps. Thank you!