JUST GET OUT!

I am so sick of him. I really can’t stand being around him. At night, when I’m laying down watching Netflix or listening to Audible he’ll come stand in the doorway and start talking about some random news story or some funny youtube video and while I smile and nod, all I’m thinking is, “shut the hell up and go away.”

And he has this insensitive as hell habit of complaining about what hurts HIM while I’m on my bone on bone knees trying not to fall as i heave my bulk down the 4 steps to get out of the apartment

It’s been way too long…

When I got out of the nursing home in April I applied at this program called SHARE for a laptop. I was told laptop would have the latest version of Dragon, and I will sure once I had it I would have no problem blogging every day.

But I finally have laptop, all I seem to be doing, is getting obsessed with more Facebook games. I miserable right now… I’m in the midst of a flare my feet and legs are so horribly swollen… I really should be on bed rest to avoid cellulitis.

I know that writing is a useful tool for me when my body and mind are a painful prison. Sometimes when you are really low the hardest thing is to look up.

I know when I’m messed up like this, writing is crucial. I think I may need to do a 90 in 90 like I did when I first started. I need to get my head right. I need to go back to the beginning.

 

Revive VoxBox from Influenster

I absolutely love free samples, so I was thrilled the other day when my first VoxBox arrived from Influenster.

I haven’t been a member of Influenster very long, so I was pleasantly surprised when I was told that I was picked to receive this month’s VoxBox. I was even more surprised at how quickly after receiving the notification that the box actually showed.

The cheerful yellow box was filled with 3 protein powder packets from VitaminShoppe, a 20 ounce shaker cup, 3 compostable single serve coffee pods #BrewAndRenew, SnackWell’s Biscuit Thins  and SheaMoisture Fruit Fusion Coconut Water Shampoo and Conditioner. There were also coupons for VitaminShoppe and for the coffee pods.

Here’s my unboxing video ( it’s my first ever YouTube post,btw):

 

I received all of these products free for testing purposes..

To join Influenster and get amazing boxes like this for yourself:

http://www.influenster.com/r/2032440

 

 

Anger mismanagement

I’ve really been struggling lately. I’ve been filled with this barely suppressed rage all the time.

Husband, especially, brings this out in me. He’s not even doing anything wrong. Just being in the same room as him infuriates me. The way he talks, his sense of humor, his habit of reminding me constantly of all the basic adult things I do on a daily basis, the way he sounds when he eats, his breathing issues ( which causes him uncontrollable coughing fits while awake and snoring like a lawnmower when asleep) and his basic denial (and refusal to deal with) his serious health issues.

So I’m furious all the time now.  And I’m in a state of transition, which always has me a little crazy.  Now I’m trying to get through this, establish a HEALTHY new normal and keep striving towards my goals instead of rampant self destruction.. which on nights like tonight seems much more appealing..

So I write. I don’t know if this actually helps but journaling is a positive activity and any night like this that I can make myself behave positively vs the wreckage I want to set in motion is a major win.. for me and everyone around me as well

Not in the mood for a pep talk!

Even though we’ve been married for 14 years and together for over 15, Husband still misreads my emotional needs on a regular basis.

When I’m overwhelmed with a situation, to the point that I’m in tears, I need commiseration.. or maybe a hug. What I don’t need is a clear headed point by point lecture on how the glass is in fact half full after I’ve spent 10 minutes crying over how it’s half empty.

Right now is a very vulnerable time for me emotionally. I fell recently and ended up in a rehab facility for physical therapy so I can get strong enough to be safe at home. I know it’s the right place for me to be but so much is up in the air right now. I don’t want to be here forever but I’m also afraid they’ll let me go too soon.  The therapy really hurts and I have major doubts about how much they can actually achieve without surgeries given the extent of my condition. Plus I really hate being separated from Son.

I tried to express some of these complex emotions to Husband on the phone earlier while also explaining how I’m really striving for a one day at a time mentality so I don’t simply LOSE MY MIND COOPED UP WITH A WING FILLED WITH SENIOR CITIZENS.. and my husband, my true companion, partner of the past 15 years decides I need a pep talk about all the perks of being inpatient  and how not only do I need to focus on keeping a positive attitude NOW, I also need to figure out how I’ll continue to have a positive attitude once they release me from here so I can continue to care for myself the same way they are taking care of me now instead of slipping back into t h e depression I was in prior to being admitted here.

Wow. Not only was that not what I needed to hear atm, I also didn’t need another lecture about the slimy pit of despair I’ve been wasting away in for the past 3 months. I can’t believe you’ve been with me this long and you still don’t have a clue how mental illness works..

Here’s a hint! If I could’ve pulled myself out of that toxic funk, I would’ve!! Also, you can’t help someone out of a funk by lecturing them!

So… I’m not sure what the rehab has in store for me. Tonight my biggest hope is that they are more in tune with what I really need than Husband is.

Madness is the gift that’s been given to me..

I am so fucking angry at him. What the hell is his problem?!

I don’t know what the hell I have to do, who I have to be, to get some consideration from his selfish ass. 

Tonight I cleaned the bathroom which was absolutely disgusting because we’ve both been sick and depressed. I wasn’t expecting any gratitude but I did ask if he could pick me up some dinner when he went to get Son from youth group. He balked, as I expected, then asked why. I pointed out that he wasn’t going to cook and that I was hungry.  He didn’t say anything, then just left.

They took forever coming home so I figured he opted for grocery shopping instead of drive through. Annoying, as I’d hoped for an Italian chicken combo, but I grudgingly acknowledged to myself that it was a better choice overall.

Then the asshole comes home with stuff for himself and Son and nothing for me.