I’ve needed to post for a while now. I’ve got a few new subscribers and readers who’ve commented and also this is a proven tool that helps me be less self destructive. I’m also doing this particular post to see how well I can post using my phone. Seems to be fairly receptive to speech to text so that’s useful on days like today when my hands are super swollen and useless. So much has happened, so many emotional things and many days I find myself struggling to hold on keep going and not be self-destructive. More on this later. Whoever is reading this thank you I’ll try to post more.
I’ve been struggling greatly in my marriage. We’ve been together for 17 year, 16 of those married and weathered a lot together.
Lately, I’ve had two modes of response to Husband, either desperate longing to be closer or rage at his very existence. This is unfortunate because any time I can find the words to vocalize my need for us to be closer he brings up all the recent examples of my rage toward him. I simply cannot make him understand that both modes are different sides of the same coin.
The only thing we seem to be able to agree upon is Son and working together to make sure he has what he needs.
I know we’re broken and I keep imploring Husband to help me bridge the rift between us. He fires back that I must be living in a fantasy land because ALL he’s doing is trying to bring us closer together.
I’m so deeply lost that I don’t have perspective. I can’t see if he truly is trying or just full of himself.
This is my current earworm as I count the minutes till I can leave for my meeting tonight. In my head though, I’m saying all those lyrics sarcastically because nothing is “so great” right now.
I went out for a while this afternoon, by myself just to get the skin crawly, cooped up, antsy feeling away and it worked.. for a while. Being back at home the antsy feeling came back. I think it’s cause I am still pissed at Husband.. we got a lot of stuff unresolved at the moment but even though it has me pissed and antsy I don’t quite have the energy to invest in working it out. Not right now anyway. Mostly because I know he’s never going to respond the way I need him to. And I’m not 100% sure he isn’t lying to me right now about his own medical crap which makes me question every statement he makes and feel furious at every accusation he utters. So it all remains unspoken. It’s tense but functional. Notice I didn’t say healthy.
Husband needs triple bypass surgery. His dire health situation is pretty much the only thing that’s keeping me from walking or “rolling” out on his angry, controlling ass with Son.. because God forbid he dies.. I don’t want to be what came between Son and his dad at the end of his dad’s life. But his necessary surgery had been postponed three times now and I’m halfway convinced that Husband is sabotaging his surgical dates on purpose and telling me the hospital is bumping him. I mean, what freaking hospital moves a triple bypass 3 times?!
So I am waiting for his next surgical date and if somehow, magically, the operation doesn’t happen AGAIN, I will be calling his doctors, his visiting nurses, his whoever, to see if I have any rights or abilities to get him medically compliant. Son is off to camp in the Berkshires for a week 7/16. Hubs is supposed to have his operation 7/18. Right now, having the house to myself for at least 5 days both thrills and terrifies me.
Continuing to binge Nurse Jackie and wonder what it would be like to not be with Hubs. We’ve been married for 16 years. I wonder what it would be like for either one of us to not be together.
Attitude of gratitude: I am glad for the meeting I’m going to tonight. This one is like home.
And since I started with Demi Lovato, I’ll finish with her as well. this is her in her brief but adorable role on Glee when she was with Santana.
I am coming apart at the seams. Husband is basically of the attitude in the above video. He sees me as weak and selfish. When I got active with my recovery in the past I was much more mobile and independent so whenever I felt like I couldn’t stand it anymore I could go to a meeting. I was involved in service projects and was able to stave off the worst of the cravings. Now that I am in the wheelchair full time it’s so much more difficult. Technically I can still drive but because we don’t have a wheelchair van I need help to get my chair or scooter in and out of the car which either means having someone take me or someone to put me and the chair in the car then someone at the other end to get my chair out and help me in it. That doesn’t really work when going to a meeting I haven’t been to before. So I am stuck.
I’ve been rewatching Nurse Jackie from the beginning again. I find myself even more fascinated by Eddie and Jackie. Feeling as guilty, angry and fucked up as I do right now, I almost wish I had an Eddie for a husband instead of a Kevin. Someone who would enable me when I needed to be messed up instead of hating me for it. I know that is beyond wrong. I know I am beyond a failure as a wife, mother, sister and friend. A garbage person. And obviously struggling with self loathing and despair. My head is fucked.
Sorry about the glare on the screen. It was the only clip I could find of the scene showing how I feel being back at the beginning. I need to do what works. I need to get myself right, to be able to take care of me and my family. Before, when I was actually in recovery instead of cheating and sneaking every possible way could, writing here helped. So I am TRYING for 90 meetings in as many days as well as 90 posts. I am not going to beat myself up if life gets in the way but I am going to keep trying.
Husband is still being a total prick about this. He is being his exceedingly unforgiving, uncompassionate self. He’s saying that I stabbed our family in the back, by relapsing. As if I deliberately chose to hurt him and son by giving in. I asked him repeatedly to talk to me and he’s refused.
So I am working on me. I am trying to have compassion for him as he is very sick right now and facing major surgery.
Daughter is struggling now, as an adult, and it hurts me to know that part of why she struggles is because I didn’t do more to keep Husband’s controlling, angry behavior from wrecking her childhood. I thought things were different after the separation and the counseling and they were but lately we’ve been back to the bad old days. I’m using secretly and he is being a controlling, narcissistic judgemental asswipe.
Daughter is safe now of course, she’s been away from him for years but I worry about Son. He worships his dad and I don’t want him to turn out like Husband.
We are going to look at an apartment tomorrow.
I went back to a meeting today with PCA. She was amazing and there for me as always. She let me vent and cry and told me the truth about what I had to say. I planned to speak and raised my hand but then proceeded to choke and cry and barely get out the words, “I’m back at the beginning, thank you for being here.” It was embarrassing but I know that they have all seen it before. The good thing about good meetings.. when you can know nobody in that room but know you’re with your people.
I got home and opened a package with 400 pills in it. Oops! I had ordered them before I stopped. I gave them directly to Husband bottle unopened. I don’t know if that made him more angry or distrustful of me but he’s already not speaking to me so how much worse could it really get?
So.. hmm.. Oh! Attitude of gratitude. That always helps me get out of my own head. Today I am most thankful for PCA. She has been so intuitive with me as always. She can tell what I need when I need it and is always there to give it.
How I feel about Hubs at the moment:
Good recovery songs:
I admit I fucked up. I did. I found a loophole in my tightly regimented meds and was abusing it. Actually, I was abusing some otc meds which potentiate my meds that are kept in a lockbox and distributed to me by a nurse 3 times per week. I burned through a new bottle of pills without realizing it, panicked and ordered more before hubs could realize it and then today, before they came, he needed a dose of one of the meds. So even though I’ve been in recovery for 4 years he is back to square one with trusting me.
Now he just stormed out of the house with our son at 10 pm at night refusing to tell me where he was going. And to make matters worse, I think he may use this as an excuse to yet again postpone his much needed triple bypass surgery! More on that later..
I know this post is all over the place. I am posting it because blogging helped me get my shit together before and I’m hoping to do it again.
So the med nurse, as mentioned in the previous post, is coming in the am. I am short a good number of the narcotic pills I am supposed to have and I don’t know what that means at this point.
Will she count them on intake, do the math and immediately report me to my pain doc, thus getting me kicked out of the clinic?
When I woke up this am I planned to solve this dilemma by simply avoiding their calls.. a visiting nurse, even though they are doctor ordered, cannot come by without my permission. Though they can be quite pushy, it’s still my choice. But when I came out of Walmart, last night, at about 6:45, I saw that the nurse had called and left a message about coming by.. Instead of just ignoring the message that I legitimately missed, I called back and scheduled her for this am. It is now about 2:45 am and she will be here about 10 am.
I don’t even know what to feel at this point. When I got home with Hubs and Son after being out running errands all day, I burst into hysterical tears and was inconsolable for several minutes. When hubs asked what was wrong I told him I was tired and discouraged. Ths was no lie.. being out today was a drain. Transferring in and out of the car, particularly transferring back in was an incredible struggle physically and whenever that happens it is an emotional drain as well. I am so freaking tired of my very existence being exhausting.. Why aren’t we already in an accessible unit, that I can just roll in and out of? Why is my own family vehicle something that is SUCH a physical strain for me to use?
A lot of other things in my life are causing me to feel like things are happening for a reason, like God is working in my life for the better.. but does that, or my behavior mean ultimately that I am going to have to go without pain medication? Am I just that much of a screw up that I burned my last bridge in the medical community for getting the only med that touches my pain?
I don’t know any of these answers. And this is out of my hands. I have to surrender. Right here and now, that’s easier than I thought. It may feel like quite a different story if I am withdrawing a few days from now.