Off to the races, I’m goin’ places..

This is my current earworm as I count the minutes till I can leave for my meeting tonight. In my head though, I’m saying all those lyrics sarcastically because nothing is “so great” right now.

 

I went out for a while this afternoon, by myself just to get the skin crawly, cooped up, antsy feeling away and it worked.. for a while. Being back at home the antsy feeling came back. I think it’s cause I am still pissed at Husband.. we got a lot of stuff unresolved at the moment but even though it has me pissed and antsy I don’t quite have the energy to invest in working it out. Not right now anyway. Mostly because I know he’s never going to respond the way I need him to. And I’m not 100% sure he isn’t lying to me right now about his own medical crap which makes me question every statement he makes and feel furious at every accusation he utters. So it all remains unspoken. It’s tense but functional. Notice I didn’t say healthy.

Husband needs triple bypass surgery. His dire health situation is pretty much the only thing that’s keeping me from walking or “rolling” out on his angry, controlling ass with Son.. because God forbid he dies.. I don’t want to be what came between Son and his dad at the end of his dad’s life. But his necessary surgery had been postponed three times now and I’m halfway convinced that Husband is sabotaging his surgical dates on purpose and telling me the hospital is bumping him. I mean, what freaking hospital moves a triple bypass 3 times?!

So I am waiting for his next surgical date and if somehow, magically, the operation doesn’t happen AGAIN, I will be calling his doctors, his visiting nurses, his whoever, to see if I have any rights or abilities to get him medically compliant. Son is off to camp in the Berkshires for a week 7/16. Hubs is supposed to have his operation 7/18. Right now, having the house to myself for at least 5 days both thrills and terrifies me.

Continuing to binge Nurse Jackie and wonder what it would be like to not be with Hubs. We’ve been married for 16 years. I wonder what it would be like for either one of us to not be together.

Attitude of gratitude: I am glad for the meeting I’m going to tonight. This one is like home.

And since I started with Demi Lovato, I’ll finish with her as well. this is her in her brief but adorable role on Glee when she was with Santana.

I can feel inside me, the sickness is rising…

I am coming apart at the seams. Husband is basically of the attitude in the above video. He sees me as weak and selfish. When I got active with my recovery in the past I was much more mobile and independent so whenever I felt like I couldn’t stand it anymore I could go to a meeting. I was involved in service projects and was able to stave off the worst of the cravings. Now that I am in the wheelchair full time it’s so much more difficult. Technically I can still drive but because we don’t have a wheelchair van I need help to get my chair or scooter in and out of the car which either means having someone take me or someone to put me and the chair in the car then someone at the other end to get my chair out and help me in it. That doesn’t really work when going to a meeting I haven’t been to before. So  I am stuck.

I’ve been rewatching Nurse Jackie from the beginning again. I find myself even more fascinated by Eddie and Jackie. Feeling as guilty, angry and fucked up as I do right now, I almost wish I had an Eddie for a husband instead of a Kevin. Someone who would enable me when I needed to be messed up instead of hating me for it. I know that is beyond wrong. I know I am beyond a failure as a wife, mother, sister and friend. A garbage person. And obviously struggling with self loathing and despair. My head is fucked.

Day 1 of 90.. again.

 

Sorry about the glare on the screen. It was the only clip I could find of the scene showing how I feel being back at the beginning. I need to do what works. I need to get myself right, to be able to take care of me and my family. Before, when I was actually in recovery instead of cheating and sneaking every possible way  could, writing here helped. So I am TRYING for 90 meetings in as many days as well as 90 posts. I am not going to beat myself up if life gets in the way but I am going to keep trying.

Husband is still being a total prick about this. He is being his exceedingly unforgiving, uncompassionate self. He’s saying that I stabbed our family in the back, by relapsing. As if I deliberately chose to hurt him and son by giving in. I asked him repeatedly to talk to me and he’s refused.

So I am working on me. I am trying to have compassion for him as he is very sick right now and facing major surgery.

Daughter is struggling now, as an adult, and it hurts me to know that part of why she struggles is because I didn’t do more to keep Husband’s controlling, angry behavior from wrecking her childhood. I thought things were different after the separation and the counseling and they were but lately we’ve been back to the bad old days. I’m using secretly and he is being a controlling, narcissistic judgemental asswipe.

Daughter is safe now of course, she’s been away from him for years but I worry about Son. He worships his dad and I don’t want him to turn out like Husband.

We are going to look at an apartment tomorrow.

I went back to a meeting today with PCA. She was amazing and there for me as always. She let me vent and cry and told me the truth about what I had to say. I planned to speak and raised my hand but then proceeded to choke and cry and barely get out the words, “I’m back at the beginning, thank you for being here.” It was embarrassing  but I know that they have all seen it before. The good thing about good meetings.. when you can know nobody in that room but know you’re with your people.

I got home and opened a package with 400 pills in it. Oops! I had ordered them before I stopped. I gave them directly to Husband bottle unopened. I don’t know if that made him more angry or distrustful of me but he’s already not speaking to me so how much worse could it really get?

So.. hmm.. Oh! Attitude of gratitude. That always helps me get out of my own head.  Today I am most thankful for PCA. She has been so intuitive with me as always. She can tell what I need when I need it and is always there to give it.

How I feel about Hubs at the moment:

Good recovery songs:

Does this stigma ever wash off?

I admit I fucked up. I did. I found a loophole in my tightly regimented meds and was abusing it. Actually, I was abusing some otc meds which potentiate my meds that are kept in a lockbox and distributed to me by a nurse 3 times per week. I burned through a new bottle of pills without realizing it, panicked and ordered more before hubs could realize it and then today, before they came, he needed a dose of one of the meds. So even though I’ve been in recovery for 4 years he is back to square one with trusting me.

Now he just stormed out of the house with our son at 10 pm at night refusing to tell me where he was going. And to make matters worse, I think he may use this as an excuse to yet again postpone his much needed triple bypass surgery! More on that later..

I know this post is all over the place. I am posting it because blogging helped me get my shit together before and I’m hoping to do it again.

 

Serenity before insanity?

So the med nurse, as mentioned in the previous post, is coming in the am. I am short a good number of the narcotic pills I am supposed to have and I don’t know what that means at this point.

Will she count them on intake, do the math and immediately report me to my pain doc, thus getting me kicked out of the clinic?

When I woke up this am I planned to solve this dilemma by simply avoiding their calls.. a visiting nurse, even though they are doctor ordered, cannot come by without my permission.  Though they can be quite pushy, it’s still my choice.  But when I came out of Walmart, last night, at about 6:45, I saw that the nurse had called and left a message about  coming by.. Instead of just ignoring the message that I legitimately missed, I called back and scheduled her for this am. It is now about 2:45 am and she will be here about 10 am.

I don’t even know what to feel at this point. When I got home with Hubs and Son after being out running errands all day, I burst into hysterical tears and was inconsolable for several minutes. When hubs asked what was wrong I told him I was tired and discouraged. Ths was no lie.. being out today was a drain. Transferring in and out of the car, particularly transferring back in was an incredible struggle physically and whenever that happens it is an emotional drain as well. I am so freaking tired of my very existence being exhausting.. Why aren’t we already in an accessible unit, that I can just roll in and out of? Why is my own family vehicle something that is SUCH a physical strain for me to use?

A lot of other things in my life are causing me to feel like things are happening for a reason, like God is working in my life for the better.. but does that, or my behavior mean ultimately that I am going to have to go without pain medication?  Am I just that much of a screw up that I burned my last bridge in the medical community for getting the only med that touches my pain?

I don’t know any of these answers. And this is out of my hands. I have to surrender. Right here and now, that’s easier than I thought. It may feel like quite a different story if I am withdrawing a few days from now.

 

 

 

Fucked up, insecure, neurotic, emotional

I spent all last night tossing and turning, nightmarish dreams and sweaty sheets.. I woke at 3 am to viciously vomit up everything I had eaten yesterday. Then the cramps and loose bowels set in (sorry tmi)..

A bit of backstory on my current misery… my pain clinic doc had ordered medication management, which means that my meds would be in a lockbox in my home that I don’t have a key to, and a nurse will come every day to dispense my meds.. This is due to the fact that I have a history of abusing my opiate pain meds but I also have a severe and degenerative form of arthritis which means I need these meds to function. ANYways.. last Friday the nurse came out to assess me for the program.. for the past several months I had been having my mom fill my scripts and give me a weeks worth at a time, but we had a falling out over the holidays and I (foolishly) told her I didn’t need the help that had actually worked for me for several months.. So the script I got at the end of December was gone quite quickly, knowing that I would be facing a pill count and a piss test at my January appointment I called and lied to the pain clinic on appointment day saying that they needed to fix the ramp at my apartment and I couldn’t safely get out till February.. The doc wrote me a script for two weeks and ordered the med management. I knew this was coming and actually feel glad about a way to have my meds and not fuck it up but my problem is that i was still taking more than prescribed. So now, the nurse has been out to assess me, his report will go to my insurance company and then if approved the management will start.. problem being.. I don’t know when this will be and if I have no pills or a lot fewer than I should when it starts, they’ll report that and I’m royally fucked.. that brings us to why I was in full blown withdrawal this am.. I was attempting to skip a couple of days and make up for the extra pills I took. but when I was so fucking miserable this am and I called the nursing service to see if and when the service would start for me they said I hadn’t been processed by the insurance department… so at that point, I said, fuck it, and took two pills.. I had hubs make me some broth and toast and laid down.. within and hour or so I was feeling much better.. still am.. but if they call tomorrow or Friday and say I’ve been approved and services start immediately I’m ROYALLY FUCKED. So I feel better, but I don’t cause I hate the weak and craving part of me that takes too many pills knowing that I’m causing a spiral that will lead to a shitstorm of problems..

Maria Johnson’s Personal Page for SHARE FUN WALK 2016

I hardly ever use this blog as a platform for sales or fundraising. I suck at sales even when I believe in the product and I’m hardly ever involved in fundraisers either.

However, SHARE at UmassDartmouth is a wonderful program that I truly believe in. They have provided life changing technology, DME and other assistive devices to the disabled community since 1981.

They’ve provided me personally with an accessible laptop and other helpful household items. In return, I will be doing the FUN “WALK”. (I added those quotes as I am obviously completing the route using my scooter.. I’m told I’m not the only wheelchair user participating) I have a goal of $100 in pledges. Donations can be made using the link below. Every little bit helps. Thank you!

Source: Maria Johnson’s Personal Page for SHARE FUN WALK 2016