Serenity before insanity?

So the med nurse, as mentioned in the previous post, is coming in the am. I am short a good number of the narcotic pills I am supposed to have and I don’t know what that means at this point.

Will she count them on intake, do the math and immediately report me to my pain doc, thus getting me kicked out of the clinic?

When I woke up this am I planned to solve this dilemma by simply avoiding their calls.. a visiting nurse, even though they are doctor ordered, cannot come by without my permission.  Though they can be quite pushy, it’s still my choice.  But when I came out of Walmart, last night, at about 6:45, I saw that the nurse had called and left a message about  coming by.. Instead of just ignoring the message that I legitimately missed, I called back and scheduled her for this am. It is now about 2:45 am and she will be here about 10 am.

I don’t even know what to feel at this point. When I got home with Hubs and Son after being out running errands all day, I burst into hysterical tears and was inconsolable for several minutes. When hubs asked what was wrong I told him I was tired and discouraged. Ths was no lie.. being out today was a drain. Transferring in and out of the car, particularly transferring back in was an incredible struggle physically and whenever that happens it is an emotional drain as well. I am so freaking tired of my very existence being exhausting.. Why aren’t we already in an accessible unit, that I can just roll in and out of? Why is my own family vehicle something that is SUCH a physical strain for me to use?

A lot of other things in my life are causing me to feel like things are happening for a reason, like God is working in my life for the better.. but does that, or my behavior mean ultimately that I am going to have to go without pain medication?  Am I just that much of a screw up that I burned my last bridge in the medical community for getting the only med that touches my pain?

I don’t know any of these answers. And this is out of my hands. I have to surrender. Right here and now, that’s easier than I thought. It may feel like quite a different story if I am withdrawing a few days from now.

 

 

 

Fucked up, insecure, neurotic, emotional

I spent all last night tossing and turning, nightmarish dreams and sweaty sheets.. I woke at 3 am to viciously vomit up everything I had eaten yesterday. Then the cramps and loose bowels set in (sorry tmi)..

A bit of backstory on my current misery… my pain clinic doc had ordered medication management, which means that my meds would be in a lockbox in my home that I don’t have a key to, and a nurse will come every day to dispense my meds.. This is due to the fact that I have a history of abusing my opiate pain meds but I also have a severe and degenerative form of arthritis which means I need these meds to function. ANYways.. last Friday the nurse came out to assess me for the program.. for the past several months I had been having my mom fill my scripts and give me a weeks worth at a time, but we had a falling out over the holidays and I (foolishly) told her I didn’t need the help that had actually worked for me for several months.. So the script I got at the end of December was gone quite quickly, knowing that I would be facing a pill count and a piss test at my January appointment I called and lied to the pain clinic on appointment day saying that they needed to fix the ramp at my apartment and I couldn’t safely get out till February.. The doc wrote me a script for two weeks and ordered the med management. I knew this was coming and actually feel glad about a way to have my meds and not fuck it up but my problem is that i was still taking more than prescribed. So now, the nurse has been out to assess me, his report will go to my insurance company and then if approved the management will start.. problem being.. I don’t know when this will be and if I have no pills or a lot fewer than I should when it starts, they’ll report that and I’m royally fucked.. that brings us to why I was in full blown withdrawal this am.. I was attempting to skip a couple of days and make up for the extra pills I took. but when I was so fucking miserable this am and I called the nursing service to see if and when the service would start for me they said I hadn’t been processed by the insurance department… so at that point, I said, fuck it, and took two pills.. I had hubs make me some broth and toast and laid down.. within and hour or so I was feeling much better.. still am.. but if they call tomorrow or Friday and say I’ve been approved and services start immediately I’m ROYALLY FUCKED. So I feel better, but I don’t cause I hate the weak and craving part of me that takes too many pills knowing that I’m causing a spiral that will lead to a shitstorm of problems..

Maria Johnson’s Personal Page for SHARE FUN WALK 2016

I hardly ever use this blog as a platform for sales or fundraising. I suck at sales even when I believe in the product and I’m hardly ever involved in fundraisers either.

However, SHARE at UmassDartmouth is a wonderful program that I truly believe in. They have provided life changing technology, DME and other assistive devices to the disabled community since 1981.

They’ve provided me personally with an accessible laptop and other helpful household items. In return, I will be doing the FUN “WALK”. (I added those quotes as I am obviously completing the route using my scooter.. I’m told I’m not the only wheelchair user participating) I have a goal of $100 in pledges. Donations can be made using the link below. Every little bit helps. Thank you!

Source: Maria Johnson’s Personal Page for SHARE FUN WALK 2016

Terror of wish fulfillment and fear of self sabotage..

I have a date for double knee replacement.

This is exactly what I wanted.. what I’ve needed for over 10 years now and have been actively striving and hoping for since a particularly terrible Christmas vacation in VA, Christmas 2014, just before I got my wheelchair, and I was moving so poorly that I only left the hotel room twice.. the whole trip.. and as I lay in the the uncomfortable bed I swore that no matter how scary it got I had to do something to make things different..

But I’m complicated.. so hearing all the risks that go along with the operation, some of the scariest being that I’ll need a blood transfusion after, that he’ll need to shorten my legs to compensate for the contractures because if he doesn’t the nerves won’t be long enough and my legs will get gangrenous and maybe even need to be amputated, that I will need to be rigorous with extremely painful stretching and PT or I could end up right back where I started 6 months post op as the contractures are going to want to reassert themselves immediately postop.. etc.. scary af.. but what’s the alternative?

Choosing at just turned 40 years old that I want to stay trapped and increasingly dependent on an at turns indifferent or disdainfully angry spouse?  After my fall in the spring I spent about 45 days inpatient rehab, and Husband often sneers at me about how much I loved it there because I was “waited on hand and foot”.

Is it so wrong to want 3 meals a day? Help with showers? Assurance that I would have my meds on time every day, and never have to wait because Husband didn’t see pain relief or whatever other med as important as I felt it? Added bonus, I did PT 5 days a week there, did therapy for my psych stuff weekly, could have visitors with no need to race around cleaning up or making excuses cause I was too exhausted, round the clock nurses meant that I couldn’t take too much or little of any med and that was an indescribable relief as that is always a struggle for me in times of stress..

I am scared.. but now Husband.. after stressing how important this is for me and for us is all fixating on the risks and not even willing to have the smallest crumb of faith that this might change our lives for the better..

Part of me wonders if he’s acting like this because he’s afraid of me being healthier, more mobile, less dependent on him.. anytime weight loss, fixing my teeth and now my knees actually seems like it might happen he always gets all, “what about this scary thing or that possible complication?” “What about if you screw it up by falling into your old ways?”

Always playing on my worst fears.. always pointing out the things I hate most about myself..

Also feeling like a crappy mom today cause I woke up anxious and headache-y which really makes me want to be by myself, and for some reason Son was clingier today.. I love my kids.. one of the only times anymore I feel like I have a purpose is being a mom so when doing mom stuff feels like something I wanna get away from it kinda makes me hate myself a little..

All of these unknowns, pain and complicated emotion make me reach for something, anything to numb.. to feel other.. and I’m fresh  out of stuff like that..

I’ll end with a couple of songs..

For my kids.. full grown Daughter and growing all too fast Son..

 

and to Husband..and myself..

 

new start to the 90 in 90 count… thanks for reading my bubbled corruptions.. for being down with my sickness.. ❤

 

 

Sick of it, sick of it, absolutely sick of it..

This post comes with a bit of a soundtrack.. I’ve been trying to get a grip.. to get enough of a hold on my thoughts so I can make words appear in a post so I can get some of this burden out of my head.. to try to bubble some of my own corruption.. (that’s a Steven Universe reference).. Son is into them and now I’ve recently gotten a little obsessed with them as well.

Anyway, I’ve wanted to start a 90 in 90 again, which is my own version of therapy, 90 posts in 90 days.. I did it before and it was quite therapeutic, but even though I know writing helps and I have a ton I could be writing about it’s been difficult to make myself start moving and stay moving.. but back to the music I started talking about.

First is a song I always liked that’s kind of background to this clip I’ve always loved in Skins. It’s part of the love story between Chris and Jal and though I searched for the song by itself I couldn’t find it. You don’t really need to know anything about the story to hear the song that’s been running in the back of my head as crap in my own life just keeps piling up and getting heavier though I’d totally recommend the series if you’re into watching characters with lives so effed up you feel better about your own garbage life

I’m really struggling. Sometimes it feels like drowning or being trapped under something heavy. My  marriage, my finances, my health  (the order of these issues’ importance varies given the day) my constant desire due to all of these things to do something, or take something, ANYTHING, just to feel something other than what I feel.. it’s overwhelming.

Husband and I are in an ugly place with each other. It’s that point where we’re both kind of looking at each other wondering what we ever saw in the other one.. he’s putting up walls and every communication from him to me is some sort of criticism of my everyday actions… I respond to said walls by becoming needier and whinier and also inadvertently doing more of whatever is pissing him off  even as I try not to.

 

 

 

 

You get it.. Basically, we’re both crazy and we’ve been together long enough that it feels like we’ve run out of new ways to handle old problems.

So I’m hurting.  And I hate being at odds with him because I could really use some support right now. On Tuesday, I’ll be going in to Boston to consult about the double knee replacement that I need to get me up out of this wheelchair. My anxiety on this topic is tremendous and I can’t talk to him about it when he’s being SUCH a douchebag all the time!

That’s all for now.. I had planned to delve into more if what’s in my head but I never really know how things are going to go when I actually start posting.. I wanted to say when I go to put pen to paper, but writing hardly ever involves pens and paper anymore.. somehow saying putting fingers to keyboard doesn’t sound the same..

So I don’t leave on too negative a note, here’s a song for anyone whose in their own crappy space right now or for any of the sad or angry or self loathing feelings any of the other songs may have brought up..

 

More later.. I plan to try and manage a productive family day out in about 3 hours on no sleep.. if that’s not fodder for the keyboard nothing is.. 😀 … thanks for reading!